Splish Splash….

I am watching Tristan groom his feet as I write tonight, he does this every night without fail. I have never seen anything quite like it, he is so very gently. He tenderly licks them one at a time, turning his paws slowly almost therapeutic, and after he is done with one he safely tucks it under himself. It’s as if he is trying to heal them from everything they have been through. I imagine with the abuse he suffered, his feet have been through a lot. There is speculation that they were burned with lit cigarettes. I do not know this for a fact, but I do know this ritual for him is comforting, that it calms him from his anxiety and soon after he finishes he falls sleep. Most nights when I watch this I end up teary, not because I am sad so much, but because it’s really very beautiful.

I think about my body, what I have subjected it to over the years. How I am not gentle with it, the disdain for what it has become is nothing less than a  deep rooted hatred.

Today a dear friend of mine asked me to swim with her. My first thought was “hell no” I wouldn’t even go to a pool if all the people were blind AND  blindfolded. As I listened to her talk with nothing but love and support in her voice  I realized what she was really offering me.  She was offering to stand beside me, to proudly walk into a place that was hard for me, to say “screw it”  if anyone had a problem with my girth in a bathing suit and to do what is best for me.  I am tired of being ashamed and hating my body so much. On Sunday…early Sunday…Charmaine (thank you love) and I will be at the gym’s swimming pool. I will try to be gentle and tender with myself and think of  Tristan and he sweet paws.

 

 

 

 

14 Comments

  1. Shera says:

    Wow you guys! I am crying for Tristan and for ALL of us that have invisible scars from the past. You never know what personal struggles people are going through behind closed doors. – hugs –

  2. Tina says:

    How sweet! You go girl! Keep your mission in mind at all times and forget about the rest! I need to start treating my body better as well. I’ve got 60lbs I’ve been hoping to lose…3 years later I’m still stuck. Time to make a change!! Exercising and eating healthy is the easy part, it’s the mental part that is the challenge!

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Buddy,

      Totally, the mental game is a very hard one to win! It rears it’s ugly head and that is where I am weakest….the emotional eating, the social eating, the excuses, the “start tomorrows” brutal! You can do it!

  3. Moody says:

    I could just see a puppy licking his paws as I read your post, Lori.

    You have a way to express feelings and describe the world around you in ways many people would (should) envy. You have kind and gentle words, I’m certain you can find kindness and gentleness in your actions towards yourself.

    I’ve never much taken care of myself either. I have bad skin, sweaty feet and a bad temper about it all. I was abused (psychologically) by my “stepfather” and neglected by my “real” father (who moved out when I was 18 months old) and I guess I just followed suit, doing the same things to myself.

    A few years ago (shortly after meeting Kiefer Sutherland for the first time), my eyes opened to reality and I realized what I was getting (from my husband mainly) wasn’t what I was looking for. Somehow this complete stranger, the Hollywood hotshot, gave me exactly what I needed, when I needed it. He showed me something I hadn’t felt in …. forever I guess…. human warmth. I mean, this guy doesn’t know the first thing about me – except that I was nuts enough to fly halfway around the world to see him – and he treated me so differently from what I was used to. There was no judgment of any kind in his eyes. And he is such a kind and warm man, caring and giving. My (in the meantime EX) husband on the other hand, was none of that (and still isn’t today). I tried to make things better for me, realizing where “adding water to your wine” had brought me. I was drinking water while my ex was getting all the wine. I tried to change it, tried to get a little more of what I needed, but as time passed, his drinking got worse and when he finally crossed the one line he shouldn’t have, I kicked his sorry ass to the curb.
    I’ve been living *my* life since that day instead of living the life others wanted me to live.
    What I want, how I want, when I want.
    It was hard at first, but I’ve come a long way. I still have my moments, mostly when I’m going through my wardrobe and nothing fits. I’ll throw a tantrum and rage against myself for being such a fat bitch. I’m still not particularly gentle with myself and there are still times when I think they were right, all of them, calling me those names and treating me like dirt. That’s when I do that to myself. That’s when I forget how far I’ve come from the abuse my “stepdad” put me through. How far I’ve come from zero self-confidence and below zero self-esteem.
    I know I’m better than that, I just forget it sometimes.
    I’m not saying there won’t be any more of those times, the human psyche is too strange a thing and you can never know when memories or feelings will be triggered, so everyday is a fight. Most of the time, I come out victorious. Defeat is scarce nowadays. I know I can do it. I know I’m better. Yet, there are times when I’ll treat myself like dirt.

    And there are times I will curl up in a corner … and lick my paws, carefully, tenderly.

    Life is a battlefield and every day is a struggle but each of us can survive. One day at a time. One battle at a time.

    Have fun at the pool on Sunday!!

    Oh and don’t forget …… Do The BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love,
    Moody

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Moody,

      Thank you for sharing this post. It is so hard not to beat ourselves up about shortcomings or fall back into habits that we have nurtured for years and years. You are strong and have come so far! Keep fighting the good fight for yourself! Definitely one day at a time! 😉

      L

  4. Lauren says:

    I seem to remember Tristan taking a little swim recently 🙂 … He would love this post!

    • dogl2324 says:

      Lol…yes he did take a little dip in the pond! Thank god you were here in help me maneuver him out! Thank you twin! xo

  5. Susan Brown says:

    Lori,

    I am so very touched by this post! It is hard to be open about what we truly think of ourselves, and I hope to love myself and my body and to treat it with the care (mentally mostly), but also physically. I mean we truly only get one right! I hope to have your courage, and Tristans gentleness with myself! Today was a hard day, and I really needed this so thank you and thank Tristan for showing me it’s ok to love myself enough to respect and treat myself kindly! Love you girl! This quote reminded me of Tristan….
    Living life without self-courtship has a high cost. We risk losing our sensuality, our senses, precious moments with those we love, our smile, and our joy. When we romance ourselves, it prepares a fertile garden for a profusion of love to bloom in all areas of our lives. We regain passion and now becomes a moment not to be missed!
    Corrie Woods

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Susan!

      It is hard to be honest about things that are filled with shame. Hard to believe people will look beyond it or love you for it. I think that’s why dogs are so wonderful, they don’t judge, they don’t walk away when you need them the most and they love you unconditionally. I am sorry you had a hard day, please be good, and tender and loving to yourself. You deserve nothing less. I love the quote…and so true! Thank you for posting it! Love you!

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