“The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.” Oscar Wilde
I have sat at a blank computer screen staring for a pretty long time. Thinking of what to say, how to express my feelings about today. This is hard. I didn’t know how hard the complete transparency of this project would be. It has been an amazing two weeks, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I have eaten very well, I have exercised more by swimming, walking, and just moving more in general and my clothes are clearly fitting differently, I moved up a belt notch. I was confident heading to the Dr.’s office today that this was not going to be anything but a day to report a loss in the weight timeline.
I gained 4 pounds.
The tears were flowing before I even had time to catch my breath, it felt like a sucker punch to the chest. Then the first sign that I am surrounded by the people I need to be, and that I am with the right Doctor happened. Dr. Beiter was right there by my side. She gave me a hug and we walked to a private room, she sat with me for a long time. She let me cry, she let me be frustrated and mad…pissed off because I HAD made good choices, and worked hard! Then calmly she told me what I needed to hear.
1.) Muscle weighs more than fat. No one wants to hear it and it’s not an excuse but a reality.I am moving more, swimming, biking, walking.
2.) I lost 18 pounds in the first two weeks, that is a large amount of weight and my body is adjusting to the changes I have introduced to it.
3.) I have not failed. I have not done anything “wrong” or “bad” and that my success is not measured by a number alone.
4.) Then she said something that made me realize it is all perspective and I have to let go of the number and not beat myself up. “If you had come in here for your weigh in after the first 2 weeks and had lost 10 lbs, then come in today and lost 4 lbs you would be pretty happy right?” The bottom line, the big picture is that I have done well my first month. I have lost 14lbs which is 3.5lbs a week.
This is where I have a choice, I can be sad and look at it as a failure or I can proudly lift my head up and take one step forward, not stay in the same place and not move backward. I am choosing to move forward proudly saying to you that even though today’s weigh in did not reflect a loss I have succeeded.
14 lbs lost along with a ton of shame and got myself to the pool+began walking regularly with the dogs and with a group+ did not binge, or make emotionally driven eating choices+ I raised almost $500 for the dogs.
I promised complete honesty and this is part of the path I will walk. I refuse to call today a failure. This is the struggle of losing weight.
“what it takes to cross the great divide
seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside
although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
the prize is always worth the rocky ride” – ES
The rocky ride is part of the this journey. I will keep doing the best I can, fighting my way through until I reach the other side.