It’s a strong word and I am leery to use it because with most addictions it is possible to live without your vice. If I am a heroin addict, alcoholic or addicted to porn, smoking or gambling it is possible to exist without those things. That is not an option with food, you can’t quit eating cold turkey and just decide to never have food in your life ever again. In order to succeed you must figure it out, you must do the hard work and find the healthy relationship with food that works for you. I struggle with this everyday.
Do I have a passionate personality or an addictive personality? I go back in forth in my theory but I definitely see how I tick can lead me down a very bad path. I get consumed with things pretty easily when I am interested, whether it be an activity, an idea, a sport, a tv series, a favorite band or types of food. I remember when I was in the hospital many years ago because my gallbladder had gotten very infected and after putting it off as long as I could, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and drove myself to the ER in the middle of the night. I was very sick, they gave me morphine and after I was admitted and had surgery I was in the hospital for about 10 days and I can remember after the second day of being on morphine I felt that I needed it, I thought about it, I counted down until I was allowed to have it, I would ask early so that I could get it as soon as possible. I liked how it made me feel, how it made me forget, how exquisitely numb it all became after they shot it into my IV and it all melted away like bacon fat on a searing hot cast iron skillet. It scared me how much I wanted it. After that experience, I understood how easily addiction happens. That has been my only experience with drugs and it terrified me.
Food terrifies me too, and if I am completely honest I wonder if it will consume me in the end or if I will be strong enough to figure it all out. It’s not the “food” at all, it’s the power that I give the food. The power to make me feel a certain way, to mask what I don’t want to feel, what I can’t face, what I need to run from and to be numb. Food is my drug.
I must never, ever forget what kind of power food can hold for me.
I also must believe I can win this fight…and I do.