Addiction.

It’s a strong word and I am leery to use it because with most addictions it is possible to live without your vice. If I am a heroin addict, alcoholic or addicted to porn,  smoking or gambling it is possible to exist without  those things. That is not an option with food, you can’t quit eating cold turkey and just decide to never have food in your life ever again.  In order to succeed you must figure it out, you must do the hard work and find the healthy relationship with food that works for you. I struggle with this everyday.

Do I have a passionate personality or an addictive personality? I go back in forth in my theory but I definitely  see how I tick can lead me down a very bad path. I get consumed with things pretty easily when I am interested, whether it be an activity, an idea, a sport, a tv series, a favorite band or types of food. I remember when I was in the hospital many years ago because my gallbladder had gotten very infected and after putting it off as long as I could, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and drove myself to the ER in the middle of the night. I was very sick, they gave me morphine and after I was admitted and had surgery I was in the hospital for about 10 days and I can remember after the second day of being on morphine I felt that I needed it, I thought about it, I counted down until I was allowed to have it, I would ask early so that I could get it as soon as possible. I liked how it made me feel, how it made me forget, how exquisitely numb it all became after they shot it into my IV and it all melted away like bacon fat on a  searing hot cast iron skillet.  It scared me how much I wanted it.  After that experience, I understood how easily addiction happens. That has been my only experience with drugs and it terrified me.

Food terrifies me too, and if I am completely honest I wonder if it will consume me in the end or if I will be strong enough to figure it all out. It’s not the “food” at all, it’s the power that I give the food. The power to make me feel a certain way, to mask what I don’t want to feel, what I can’t face, what I need to run from and to be numb. Food is my drug.

I must never, ever forget what kind of power food can hold for me.

I also must believe I can win this fight…and I do.

 

 

 

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Kate E. says:

    Being addicted to food isn’t a bad thing, Lori. Food can bring so much joy to your life! It’s at the center of family gatherings, it’s a nice break with co-workers in the middle of the day, and it’s something that can be shared by everyone. I think the addiction, and whether it is good or bad, depends on the type of food. Consuming healthy fruit and vegetable smoothies, lean meats, steamed vegetables, low-fat desserts, granola, dried fruits… NONE of that is bad! It’s when you get into the Buskin aisle that things get tricky. If you’re addicted to food, then you shouldn’t look at it as a bad thing. Just tweak your addiction to fit a healthier lifestyle and you’ll be good to go 🙂

    • dogl2324 says:

      First and foremost, I always enjoy your posts Kate, and I am very grateful you read and care, so know that! What you describe is a healthy relationship with food, which is what I am working toward. When I talk of addiction, I am speaking of something very different, something that is very dark. I am speaking of binge eating, of finding comfort or associating comfort with eating a dozen donuts with a half gallon of chocolate milk in one sitting or driving from fast food place to fast food place consuming 8,000+ calories in a short period of time and then beating yourself up to a point this cycle continues for days or weeks until you are desperate enough to break it. To feel so worthless and such a failure after that it just pushes back into the darkness where you sit and suffer until it happens again. This is what I mean when I speak of addiction, you could easily substitute the word crack or booze and it would feel the same to me. Most people, even if they love chocolate, or pasta or any other type of food are not addicted to using food as a way to numb themselves from life. Does that make sense? xo

  2. Moody says:

    Understanding is the first step in healing.
    I have lived with someone for 7 years who was initially addicted to a soft drug. I don’t like that term. There is no such thing as a “soft” addiction. You’re addicted, you need it, you crave it and it takes over your entire life. It costs you money, friends and a big chunk out of your life.
    I’ve been there, I’ve seen it happen.
    It was a hard battle, but eventually, he stepped away from that.
    YAY ……. or not?
    The drugs helped him to forget.
    Helped him be trouble-free (or so he thought).
    Helped him cope with his loss (or so he thought).
    Once he quit using them, he needed something else to help him do all of that. He turned to alcohol. It was worse. Far. far. worse!
    With the drugs, he was kind and cuddly.
    With the alcohol, he became distant and aggressive.
    The drugs, I managed to beat.
    The alcohol, he wouldn’t let me.
    When he became violent towards me, I warned him.
    Once.
    Two weeks later, it happened again. I hauled his ass into court and had him thrown out. I’m no victim.
    I won’t claim I know all about addictions, but I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, lived it, felt it. If you have the heart and desire to beat it, you can. It’s hard and it won’t happen overnight, but you *can* beat it.
    Understand “the demon” before you try to fight it. The knowledge is your friend. Know why, how and when it started and tackle it from there. That’s how I beat mine. I’m sure you can beat yours.

    I’m rooting for ya!!!

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hey Moody!

      Much of what you say in your experience makes sense to me in my struggles and you are right I must try to understand it to defeat it for sure. It’s wrapped up in so much of my past and I know it is important to figure out the why’s so that I am prepared when things get hard. I can reason with myself better if I have the knowledge. I am sorry you had to go through all of that, but you sound like a very strong person!

      Have a good weekend-

      L

  3. Rachel says:

    I was just saying this to my best friend the other day. Food addiction I think is one of the worst if not the worst to have because you can’t just say you’re not eating anymore. It’s enormously difficult to deal with, but I definitely think it’s a fight that can be won!

    • dogl2324 says:

      No, doubt Rach, and it’s everywhere. Our lives are built around food, which makes it hard (not impossible) to get a handle on!

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