This is very hard and I find it difficult to write about the hard stuff. Exposing the soft underbelly of my vulnerability is not something I thought would be part of this deal, yet without it the circle is not completed, I can’t hide or ignore it without sacrificing the truth and I just have too much at stake not to tell you the whole truth. Tomorrow is the weigh in, and I have decided not to expect anything at all. I have been moving a lot. I have hiked, biked, walked, and swam over the last two weeks. I can’t fear gaining muscle. I have made changes, decisions, and choices that have all been good. This is a process, this is learning, this is fear, and this is different than anything else I have ever done. A number positive or negative does not negate the work I have done.
I refuse to think of a gain as failure, I only fail if I give up and walk away. I bargain, I plead and make my case, I strategize and yet failure is at my heels, it taunts me every Wednesday before I know I have to get on that scale, my ability to deconstruct it’s grip on me has not happened….yet.
Oh to give myself the gift to be able to understand that failure is not accountability. I can’t fear failure and want accountability. Failure is part of the lesson, and without it there will be no growth, and no knowledge of how I do things differently if I am never challenged with failure. My head hurts, the emotional aspect of this is at times exhausting.
and it’s alright if i feel afraid
my plans in pieces
my plans mislaid
it’s the will of the way
(the will of the way)
the will of the way
(it’s the will of the way)
the will of the only way that could have brought me here today
and it’s alright