it’s alright…

This is very hard and I find it difficult to write about the hard stuff. Exposing the soft underbelly of my vulnerability is not something I thought would be part of this deal, yet without it the circle is not completed, I can’t hide or ignore it without sacrificing the truth and I just have too much at stake not to tell you the whole truth. Tomorrow is the weigh in, and I have decided not to expect anything at all. I have been moving a lot. I have hiked, biked, walked, and swam over the last two weeks. I can’t fear gaining muscle.  I have made changes, decisions, and choices that have all been good.  This is a process,  this is learning, this is fear, and this is different than anything else I have ever done. A number positive or negative does not negate the work I have done.

I refuse to think of a gain as failure, I only fail if I give up and walk away.  I bargain, I plead and make my case, I strategize and yet failure is at my heels, it taunts me every Wednesday before I know I have to get on that scale, my ability to deconstruct it’s grip on me has not happened….yet.

Oh to give myself the gift to be able to understand that failure is not accountability. I can’t fear failure and want accountability. Failure is part of the lesson, and without it there will be no growth, and no knowledge of how I do things differently if I am never challenged with failure. My head hurts, the emotional aspect of this is at times exhausting.

 

and it’s alright if i feel afraid
my plans in pieces
my plans mislaid
it’s the will of the way
(the will of the way)
the will of the way
(it’s the will of the way)
the will of the only way that could have brought me here today
and it’s alright

e. sailers

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Moody says:

    You said it right, Lori: a gain is not a failure!!
    It is NOT!!!
    A gain will mean you have built muscle power. Muscle is heavier than grease for the same volume. Or should I say 1 pound of muscle will take up less space on your body. You will not measure the weight reduction on the scales alone. Break out the tape measurer and find your gain in the inches you have lost. Find your victory in the achievements you have made. Find your victory in that hike you took, in that “moderate trail” you vanquished, in the numerous comments on this blog and in the donations you get for the doggies.
    Find your victory in Tristan.
    Find it in every lap you swim, in every walk you take with the walking group, in every mile you ride on your bike.
    Your victory is in everything you do.

    A gain is not failure. A gain is your victory expressed in inches instead of pounds.

    Do not think we’ll drop you like a dead weight if you don’t report another weight loss this week. This is your journey. A journey takes a long time. Your goal is to lose 100 lbs in ONE YEAR!!!! Give yourself the time to reach that goal. We all know you will. YOU know you will!

    Your victory is in everything you do to make life better for yourself.
    Keep it up!

    • dogl2324 says:

      You are right I committed to 100lbs in a year and it is going to be a process, I am the read the last chapter of a book kinda person! I want it now! It’s a huge lesson for me to do it right, do it a different way and learn from my journey! I am learning to just do my best and let my body figure it all out! I will get there with perseverance and commitment!

  2. John S. says:

    You are doing great Lori. You have made tremendous progress in just a few short weeks. Need I remind you of how great you feel wearing new jeans and new found bony parts. I have never been more inspired and am very proud of you, whatever the scale reads.

  3. Linda Troy says:

    It IS going to be all right. We all have to conquer fear of various things. We all face fear of failure. Look at the lifestyle changes you are making, and see that you are already winning! What you weigh on the scale in the a.m. is not what determines winning or failing. The great strides you are making to develop a new lifestyle and new self-image already point to your winning! To paraphrase a quote “better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all.” For every great success, there are countless failures on the way to that success. Failure is not to be feared. Failure shows that you tried. No matter what you weigh in the a.m., we will all still support you and encourage you to keep going–keep winning by making great decisions about eating and exercising! And just look at your dogs’ faces to know that you are a winner in their eyes! You know, if we never expect anything–never get our hopes up–we can never be hurt. Isn’t that right? But to never be hurt is to never to have loved or hoped, and never to hope is to avoid life. God gave us life. Live! Hope! Love!! You are a winner in our eyes.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Thank you for this note Linda, you are so right fear is not to be feared, and without it I am not taking the chances I need to take. Playing it safe is not going to get me where I need to be or learn what I need to learn! Thank you so much for your encouraging words! This is something I am sustaining for a lifetime not a “quick fix” so it is going to take a little more time to figure it all out 🙂

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