Room 1103

I thought about not writing this post. As a matter fact last night I stared at this screen for what seemed like days trying to think of what to write, how to put into words exactly how it works in my mind and how the past comes skipping back up the lane gently slipping it’s hand into mine and off we go.  I could not do it, I simply could not process it into words. Tonight I will try again.

I went to the movies with my mom and Lauren (aka my twin). We saw a film where someone is dying. They are in a hospital room slowly withering away to nothingness. As I was watching the film I thought of my Dad, of watching him through the years wither away watching his dignity and life seep from him in small droplets, slowly, with no feasible way of making them stop regardless of how I tried, so desperate to stop time. I sat there watching the movie but what played in my minds eye are memories that haunt me when I let them. As I watch this movie set of a hospital room, down a fake hallway, the prop door leading to the actress laying in the bed I can all to easily remember the sour stench of what it was like to walk down the halls of the nursing home day after day. Room 1103 was close to the nurses station,two doors down from the shower room and it was directly across from the lady who never had visitors but who sat patiently on her bed staring out the window day after day waiting for someone. In my six years visiting my Dad I never saw anyone come to visit her. I would go say hi to her and she thought I was her daughter who had come to take her to the fabric store, I could never bring myself to tell her otherwise. The memories I have of his time there are so vivid and yet I struggle with a  tattered patchwork mosaic of hazy memories for a time when he was not old or ill.

I am writing this to tell you how it happens, this is how I fall from grace, how it begins and how the cycle of self loathing starts. How I am triggered, and how the memories and emotions trigger old habits. How I comfort myself without even realizing what is happening. In the past I don’t know that I have been able to identify it, or that I am even aware of it when it happens. I am aware now.

I returned home from the movie and made dinner, chicken vegetable orzo soup it simmered on the stove and when it was time to eat I had a bowl with a dollop of goat cheese on top and a toasted pita. Then I had another bowl and then I had some gluten free marshmallows, and then some rice crackers and then I peeled an orange and with part of a segment still hanging out of my mouth I went to the freezer and as I pulled the drawer out to see what was in there it hit me. STOP. STOP. STOP! I spit the orange out in the sink and in a frantic race to get out of the house I pulled on my too big blue jeans with no belt and in my house slippers I went out the back door , through the garage and I walked and walked and walked. Tears streaming down, chest heaving, shaking and holding up my jeans best I could. THIS IS IT, this is exactly how I got to be over 600 pounds.  In the past it has not been soup, crackers, marshmallows and oranges. It has been pizza and burgers and ice cream sandwiched between shame and self hatred. For the very first time I was able to see the whole thing play out and actually process in the moment what happens. I feel free. I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but to me this revelation is huge.

 

 

 

 

 

11 Comments

  1. Moody says:

    Hey Lori,

    I haven’t commented in a while, but that’s mainly because I read your posts during lunch break at work (and it’s not always a good decision, since you have me in tears half the time and nobody there will understand why I find myself crying while staring at my computer screen) but I couldn’t keep from commenting on this post.

    I am so happy for you.
    Happy you have found the trigger.
    I may not make much sense either, but trust me, once you know the “what/how/when/why” of the trigger, you can start healing.
    It’s a battle with the demon and once you know when it came into play and why; it enables you to fight it much more efficiently.

    You are a truly great person, kindhearted, warm, caring, giving, …. I could go on for hours. With every post, you show us how big a person you truly are and I’m not talking inches or pounds here. You are a big PERSON. You’ve touched so many people already and you’ve only barely gotten started on this journey. You are one of the few who make a difference to others. Who make the world just a tiny bit better, one day at a time.

    Stay Strong.

    Much love,
    Moody.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hey Moody!
      I am sorry to have you in tears while eating your lunch break at work! 😉 I think what you have said is so so true, facing the demons of life is the only way to go! Thank you for all your kind words and know that it is always so inspirational to know that this fight is making a difference, and that there are people reading and rooting me on! I hope you are well and things are going great in your world!

      🙂

      Lori

  2. Linda Troy says:

    My heart goes out to you as you continue to grieve the loss of your father. What a wonderful love you have for him, and how blessed he was to have you as his daughter–how blessed you both were to have each other. I am sorry for this painful loss in your life.

    I am also struck by your kindness for the woman in the nursing home who had no one to visit her, and how you allowed her to think of you as her daughter coming to visit–how generously you gave yourself to comfort her. You have a big heart.

    I am amazed at your self-awareness and willingness to look deep inside and face the difficult issues. Your strength and openness will carry you far. God bless you as you continue this journey of self discovery, growth, and change. You are encouraging all your readers to take similar journeys, as well, for themselves.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Linda,
      I think you just finally get so tired of carrying the burdens with you that laying them down becomes the only choice unless you want them to consume you…or in my case for me to consume them through food. Thank you Linda, for all your insight and kindness I am always grateful for your posts. I continue to grieve my father and celebrate him through the mark he left on my life!
      L

  3. Jenn says:

    Love you, Lori! Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You have more courage that most people I know. Though it’s painful, this self-knowledge will only make you stronger!! You’re AMAZING!

  4. Valerie says:

    You are a strong and wonderful woman and an inspiration to me everyday. Finding triggers in anything is always a tough battle and the fact that you have and can stop yourself says something amazing about you.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Thanks Val! The triggers are tricky little guys but I feel like not running from them is the only way I can battle them, face them head on! xoxo

  5. Kellie says:

    makes absolute sense to me. maybe it wasnt so much not knowing how to write your feelings with this one, but more of once you had it written out, meant you had it figured out. Maybe your werent ready to have it ‘figure out’ yet. And maybe finally writing it now means the figuring out part is final, now its time to heal. (Now I am not sure I make any sense LOL )
    Despite your tears and heart ache, good for you for your revelation!! Keep your head!
    BTW, how many cans of food do I owe now????? 😉

    • Kellie says:

      oops keep your head *up

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Kellie! I think you are definitely right about the timing of it all. I don’t think I could have figured it out without really doing the work to figure out the “whys” of how I was functioning (or not functioning) with food. The time is right and the time is now. I have to say this is a huge step forward for me and I have never been able to identify and then stop while I was doing it. Thank you for your post, it makes sense to me. 😉
      Next weigh in is Thursday but right now it’s 28!

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