No Coincidence.

I could feel it coming all week. The unraveling of me, the sensation of feeling the enemy at my heels but when I would turn around to look it was nothingness. The day started out by getting weighed and seeing that I had gained two pounds. It bothered me, it presents itself in the form of of failure no matter how I try to reason with myself. The beating begins. I wanted donuts, I thought about it hard, but when it came time to turn the steering wheel into the parking lot I just couldn’t do it. Safe.

Work was stressful, the anxiety creeping in, setting up shop in my thoughts and by the end of the day I had managed to eat what I brought for lunch plus my snacks and the only additional thing was a granola bar I purchased from our vending area. I eat the granola bar in a rush not tasting it or savoring it in any way and I knew I had arrived. I arrived at the place of darkness where it happens so many times the beginning of the binge. I avoided it the other night after the movie but I was a bit of a fool to think that was it. My eating ego is much smarter than even I give it credit for and my first thought is that I have failed. Why do I feel like this? What has happened? I got through Thanksgiving just fine what am I doing? I finish up at work and head to my bartending job at playhouse. It’s for a private party, there is food, I did not prepare dinner for myself I am hungry…I eat… I eat grapes and a small slice of vegetarian lasagne.  Not part of the plan, the beating continues. The spiral takes form and I have the choice it’s right in front of me. I am ambushed with a title wave of shame and I know what I will do, I step in with both feet.  I drive and in my head I have my order ready…big boy with extra tarter sauce, onion rings and a vanilla coke and hot fudge cake. I can smell it, I know how I will feel after I eat it but in the moment that could not matter less. I am close to the drive through, what I am I going to do? Heart pounding I pick up the phone stare at it, I said I would I do it. I said I would call if I needed help, I promised myself I would do it. Still starring at the phone I dial Lauren’s number, it rings and her voicemail picks up. The tears arrive. I pull in I am maybe 10 feet from the place where you order…<PING> A text from Lauren…”Church choir…what’s up?” I frantically type what I am about to do, and the simple response was “don’t do it, what does Frisch’s have that would be worth it?” Nothing, the answer is nothing, thank my lucky stars for my Lauren, everybody should be so lucky as to find their twin in life.  My phone rings, thinking it is Lauren I pick it up but it’s not Lauren it’s Bob who tells me a newly adopted dog has gotten out of her yard, she is running loose and they can’t find her, can I come help them look. Yes, I am on my way.  I am out of the parking lot in seconds. The significance of what happened did not hit me till a bit later. The dogs continue to save me when I can’t save myself. Tomorrow I will continue to fight through this period of the journey.

 

“now i grip the wheel
fear is what i feel
at the slow unraveling of me”

e. saliers

 

 

 

14 Comments

  1. Joy Galbraith says:

    This was the night I saw you on Monmouth street, while I was decorating the bears. Dogs save us in many ways.

    I know the struggle is hard, but Keep up the great job you’re doing.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Joy,

      Yes, it was the night I saw you on Monmouth handing out fliers to find Lina! Thank you for your kind words and support! xo

  2. Shera says:

    Wow!!! Nuff said. 😉

  3. John S. says:

    Sometimes our progress toward any goal finds a plateau. The most effective way to climb onward is to focus on the goal. The reality is, when trekking through new territory, we often stumble and lose sight of where we want to go. Shine your beautiful light on the things you love, the people and pooches that are lucky to have you in their lives. You will soon be back on track. Love you.

  4. Linda Troy says:

    You have many great friends who have spoken words of wisdom. I’ll say “ditto” to what they have said and add one thing more. You are right, it is no coincidence that Lauren texted when she did and your phone rang when it did. I would call those moments a “God thing,” obvious moments when God has spoken to us and intervened in our lives. God communicates with us constantly. The question is do we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear.

    I imagine weight loss is like growth patterns in children (and puppies). It is not linear. There are a series of starts and stops, progress, big progress, ups, downs, and plateaus, followed by more progress. While a close-up view shows ups and downs, the long-distance view shows overall progress. From 391 to 365 is still loss, over all. Good, steady loss that you can maintain and keep up with. Keep your head high. The cup is half full.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Linda,

      Well I am listening now! I am more aware of the gifts being sent my way more than ever and very grateful for it all. Yes, I think you are right it’s not linear by any means and it is a huge lesson in patience and perseverance. I do see now, more than every why people give up…..thank you for your inspiration and words!
      L

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