I could feel it coming all week. The unraveling of me, the sensation of feeling the enemy at my heels but when I would turn around to look it was nothingness. The day started out by getting weighed and seeing that I had gained two pounds. It bothered me, it presents itself in the form of of failure no matter how I try to reason with myself. The beating begins. I wanted donuts, I thought about it hard, but when it came time to turn the steering wheel into the parking lot I just couldn’t do it. Safe.
Work was stressful, the anxiety creeping in, setting up shop in my thoughts and by the end of the day I had managed to eat what I brought for lunch plus my snacks and the only additional thing was a granola bar I purchased from our vending area. I eat the granola bar in a rush not tasting it or savoring it in any way and I knew I had arrived. I arrived at the place of darkness where it happens so many times the beginning of the binge. I avoided it the other night after the movie but I was a bit of a fool to think that was it. My eating ego is much smarter than even I give it credit for and my first thought is that I have failed. Why do I feel like this? What has happened? I got through Thanksgiving just fine what am I doing? I finish up at work and head to my bartending job at playhouse. It’s for a private party, there is food, I did not prepare dinner for myself I am hungry…I eat… I eat grapes and a small slice of vegetarian lasagne. Not part of the plan, the beating continues. The spiral takes form and I have the choice it’s right in front of me. I am ambushed with a title wave of shame and I know what I will do, I step in with both feet. I drive and in my head I have my order ready…big boy with extra tarter sauce, onion rings and a vanilla coke and hot fudge cake. I can smell it, I know how I will feel after I eat it but in the moment that could not matter less. I am close to the drive through, what I am I going to do? Heart pounding I pick up the phone stare at it, I said I would I do it. I said I would call if I needed help, I promised myself I would do it. Still starring at the phone I dial Lauren’s number, it rings and her voicemail picks up. The tears arrive. I pull in I am maybe 10 feet from the place where you order…<PING> A text from Lauren…”Church choir…what’s up?” I frantically type what I am about to do, and the simple response was “don’t do it, what does Frisch’s have that would be worth it?” Nothing, the answer is nothing, thank my lucky stars for my Lauren, everybody should be so lucky as to find their twin in life. My phone rings, thinking it is Lauren I pick it up but it’s not Lauren it’s Bob who tells me a newly adopted dog has gotten out of her yard, she is running loose and they can’t find her, can I come help them look. Yes, I am on my way. I am out of the parking lot in seconds. The significance of what happened did not hit me till a bit later. The dogs continue to save me when I can’t save myself. Tomorrow I will continue to fight through this period of the journey.
“now i grip the wheel
fear is what i feel
at the slow unraveling of me”