This weekend was filled with holiday commitments, food, friends, work, shopping, with a little dose of stress just to make the season complete. Friday night I worked at Playhouse and we were slammed with the holiday crowds, serving Shirley Temples for kids and something a bit stronger for the adults. I had a great night and to be honest just too busy to think about eating anything bad, when I got home a bowl of kashi with almond milk is all I wanted beside a soft bed. Saturday there were errands and cleaning, and taking the schnauzers to get their picture taken with Santa. Later in the evening I had two awesome friends over for dinner, I made a healthy meal minus the apple wood cheddar and I had one plate, and resisted the urge to take seconds. Sarah made a delicious fruit crumble with no refined sugar for dessert! Sharing food with friends is laugh therapy at it’s very best, at least with these two and I was so grateful. They are both amazing dog lovers so Tristan did well, it took him awhile to calm himself but toward the end of the night he came out of his crate and laid in the other room as he listened to us cackling away. We did have cocktails, and up until Saturday night I had been very selective of alcohol calories allowing myself one drink just a few times over the past three plus months. Last night my limit was to be two drinks. We had a great leisurely dinner chatting, laughing and we decided to play Scrabble, and I decided to have a third drink. We played, we laughed, and laughed some more and I did manage to win. (sorry Big Al, and Sarah!) Later that night after everyone left I stood in the kitchen looking at the calendar pages I have taped to my kitchen wall next to the refrigerator I looked at all the big X’s through the days with details of weight gains and losses, notes of exercise, and a very clear picture of all the days behind me so far. Days where I have succeed widely, and days I have beat myself up relentlessly for not being perfect. In the end what I see is down 32lbs. Don’t beat yourself up this time, not over one drink, not over having a good time with friends. I said it out loud to myself….”you’re okay kid” I could hear my Dad’s voice floating in the air, I curled up on the couch with the dogs and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I went to the gym with Charmaine where we had our Sunday morning ritual of swimming and sauna time, then came home and made a very healthy breakfast. I went to a party later with one of my very best friends, I knew there was going to be a feast of things that should not be going into my mouth and there is no one better to have by your side than Amy. When we were asked what we wanted to drink from a very long and tasty list….without hesitation Amy said water and gave me “the look”, and in that moment I realized I am with who I need to be most of the time to help me through. Water is all I had nothing more, no rum balls, no skyline dip, no gooey sweets…I wasn’t really hungry because I had eaten before I went (that really does work) and Amy would have plucked whatever it was out of my mouth with lightning speed. I enjoyed the party, the people and but not the food…still, I had a great time.
It might sound ridiculous that not beating myself up over straying from the plan is such a big deal, but its a big deal when you have always done it and struggled through the next week, month…months trying to break the cycle of your so called “mistake”. I thought I would fail after having more than I said I would, I thought I would beat myself up. I had no expectations of winning the fight. Just like that night sitting in front of the Frisch’s drive thru I know better now. I am learning a different way, I forgave myself, moved on and got right back on the plan, it felt good to not be handcuffed to the shame. I am no journeyman, I am going to win this fight.
A journeyman is a boxer with good boxing skills who strives to succeed but who has limitations and little or no expectations of winning a fight.