bargain basement prices…
Literally. In my basement is where my washer and dryer live, and I have bins and shelves of clothes stored down there from so many years I am embarrassed to say. I discovered over the weekend that there is a whole department store full of clothes that I couldn’t get into until now, many with the tags still attached. It was quite a treat going through stuff, tugging on a shirt or sweater and realizing that HOLY COW, it does fit! It was like shopping without the credit card bill to pay at the end of the month!
While I was going through the clothes I also realized that there are things that are too big for me to wear now, they just look to sloppy. I started to fold them up in a pile to put away and then before I could stop myself the tears started and in that moment I realized I am not going back, not this time. I am committed to not wearing those clothes again. I am not going to have a safety net of fat(ter)clothes “just in case”. Those clothes are behind me and my whole commitment has been one foot in front of the other moving forward. I will pack up the clothes and will drop them off at the women’s shelter in my area.
Those clothes are a representation for me of years of suffering in my body, trapped in so many ways. A reminder that in my youth I would never have brand name or designer pair of jeans, bottom line was if it fit I wore it and if it looked half way decent that was a bonus but most of the time it was the last thing that mattered. I used to wonder what wearing a pair of Levi’s would feel like with the brown faded patch above the back right pocket and shiny brass rivets with a shirt tucked neatly inside…and NO elastic! Oh, how I despise elastic. I used to buy t-shirts from concerts and events left and right in the largest size they had, which never came close to fitting but I would always have hope that I would fit into them one day. At my heaviest I wore a 74 inch waist in a big men’s size. I find in the oddest of moments forgiving myself for the pain and destruction I have done to my body that I have carried for so long, choosing instead to lay it down and carry it no longer. In the basement there is a pile of clothes I will never wear again and the shame that still lingers on them. The price to go back is simply a price I am no longer willing to pay.
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh