bargain basement prices…

Literally. In my basement is where my washer and dryer live, and I have bins and shelves of clothes stored down there from so many years I am embarrassed to say. I discovered over the weekend that there is a whole department store full of clothes that I couldn’t get into until now, many with the tags still attached. It was quite a treat going through stuff, tugging on a shirt or sweater and realizing that HOLY COW, it does fit! It was like shopping without the credit card bill to pay at the end of the month!

While I was going through the clothes I also realized that there are things that are too big for me to wear now, they just look to sloppy. I started to fold them up in a pile to put away and then before I could stop myself the tears started and in that moment I realized I am not going back, not this time. I am committed to not wearing those clothes again. I am not going to have a safety net of fat(ter)clothes “just in case”. Those clothes are behind me and my whole commitment has been one foot in front of the other moving forward. I will pack up the clothes and will drop them off at the women’s shelter in my area.

Those clothes are a representation for me of years of suffering in my body, trapped in so many ways.  A reminder that  in my youth  I would never have brand name or designer pair of jeans, bottom line was if it fit I wore it and if it looked half way decent that was a bonus but most of the time it was the last thing that mattered. I used to wonder what wearing a pair of Levi’s would feel like with the brown faded patch above the back right pocket and shiny brass rivets with a shirt tucked neatly inside…and NO elastic! Oh, how I despise elastic. I used to buy t-shirts from concerts and events left and right in the largest size they had, which never came close to fitting but I would always have hope that I would fit into them one day. At my heaviest I wore a 74 inch waist in a big men’s size.  I find in the oddest of moments forgiving myself for the pain and destruction I have done to my body that I have carried for so long,  choosing instead to lay it down and carry it no longer. In the basement there is a pile of clothes I will never wear again and the shame that still lingers on them. The price to go back is simply a price I am no longer willing to pay.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Cherie says:

    That’s great you’re taking your clothes to a shelter. I work at a women’s shelter in KS and the larger women tend to get forgotten about, so it’s always nice to have the larger sizes.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Cherie,

      I had a good friend of mine who works with folks who are homeless and suffering from mental illness tell me after she read the post how hard it is to get larger sizes too, she is going to take some and I am also going to get some to the woman’s shelter near me…enough for everyone to get some things! I will make sure to take everything I have that is too big and make sure they do to those who can really use them. Thank you for the work you do!

      L

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