Yes, the brown patch on the Levi’s feels different.
It has been a crazy two weeks, with Christmas last week and fighting my way through the food of the season, and this week spending almost all my time in the hospital with my mom being there for my Aunt as she fights her own battle. I have not been to the gym in 12 days. I have made the best choices possible when eating at the hospital, I have walked as much as possible dropping my mom off at the front door and parking far away in the lot and walking. Yesterday I took a walk at the cemetery where my Dad is buried (which is close to the hospital) because I needed to have someplace where I did not need to be strong. While I was there I walked for 40 minuets because it is amazingly beautiful, and it makes me feel especially close to my Dad.
I went to the weigh in this morning praying I did not gain, and breathed a sigh of relief when Dr. B said that I had stayed the same. Not ideal I know, but considering all things I am very grateful and look forward to the new year and taking the next steps forward. In the end I lost weight in the month of December and did not gain, that is a first. In her remarkable way Dr. B reminded me that success doesn’t always come in the form of a number on a scale. I adore her.
Oh, there is one more thing….
Yesterday I stopped to pick up a birthday gift for a friend at a department store. There they were….the Levi’s I have wanted for so long. The brown patch above the back right pocket and the infamous little red tag….I have been very cautious to buy new clothes, but my jeans are swimming on me…so I did it. I bought the Levi’s that were 4 sizes smaller and I stopped at a fast food restaurant on my way back to the hospital not for food,not to binge, not to beat myself up…but to run into the bathroom and change into the Levi’s! I stood there on my tippy toes looking at them, the tears flowed and so many of the memories that brought such shame were released as I twisted my body to look at that brown patch which for me is a badge of honor that I will wear with pride. Here is a picture to give you some perspective. The jeans on the bottom were actually snug when I started in September. (yes, I know the “knock off” jeans had a brown patch…but it’s just not the same as the one on the Levi’s”!)
Last night I when I got home from the hospital I took a big nail and pounded it into the wall by the calendar pages I have taped up….the Levi’s will hang there when I am not wearing them, to remind me the possibilities are endless and within my reach. (For those of you that come over to the house, I will probably show them off like a Grammy…prepare yourself!)