Give myself an inch, and I will take a mile.
Everyday there are lessons, all around me, so many in fact that at times it seems impossible to acknowledge them all let alone understand them. The past few weeks have been a heartbreaking blur. I have not been to the gym in many days, I have teetered on the edge of making bad choices only a few times dipping my foot in the water only to quickly yank it back realizing the consequences in time. What I am aware of and what I do understand in this moment is that if I let my guard down if I tell myself it’s okay, if I fall into the old phrases that are so so easy to hear…”you had a hard couple of weeks, you lost someone very special to you, you deserve to not worry about what you are eating, you deserve to indulge, it’s only a bite, a meal, a day, a month…a year.” The cycle is vicious. I give myself a little and I will take a lot. Food is still my comforting drug of choice. It’s still what I turn to when I feel I have no where else to go and when I am not strong enough to reach out to the people that love me. Full disclosure, honesty, and sharing the hard stuff. This was my promise on September 1st 2011 and I will continue to write the hard words, take the unknown scary steps that will get me to the other side of this room I long to cross. This post is for me. This is the painful necessary accountability I begged for, this is what figuring it out looks like.
As I am reading this out loud to the dogs tonight as I do every time I am writing at home. I am crying and reading and stopping when I mess up and reading more, making corrections and crying some more…then something happened that has not happened in the 10+ months I have had Tristan with me. He walked over to me and put both of his paws up on my lap and laid his sweet head down. Everyday there are lessons, all around me I will acknowledge them and try to understand what enormous gifts they are. Again, the dog seems to saves me.
Tonight is the dog-lbs walk, nothing clears my mind, motivates or reconnects me like walking with the dogs and the dear friends that come together for 3.8 miles to walk by my side as I carry on, one foot in front of the other.