Two more pounds down and that leaves me with the motivation to really focus and dig deep with the goal of losing 12 lbs by the end of February. At that point I will be on target having lost 50lbs in 6 months. Then I will be 41 pounds from getting under the 300 lb mark which I am not sure I have been since I was a young teenager. I am not sure why that number means so much to me but I can tell you the thought of weighing 299lbs verses 300lbs seems oceans apart in my head and in my heart. Smashing through the 3’s into the 2’s is something that seems very obtainable to me at this point. Breaking it down little by little as opposed to concentrating on a very large number that is so overwhelming.
Several folks have asked for pictures when I was larger. I certainly have them, though many have been destroyed in emotional meltdowns. Here is a picture of me from high school. I was around 475lbs. Keep in mind I would gain at least another 150lbs in college before my life would grind to a halt and I was left with the choice to try to save myself or not.
I can’t forget where I have been, how it feels to be trapped in a body saturated in shame and humiliation. I want a healthy fear of how I used to be, even how I am now, this is not who I want to be. This is not a diet! This change is slow, the weight coming off is slow (in comparison to “I lost 150lbs in 6 months” stories) this is figuring it out along the way, facing my ghosts head on, with frustrating gains, weeks of not losing and the painstaking task of finally being honest with myself at all costs.
“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.”
Thich Nhat Hanh