Tucking it in.
It’s not a big deal, most people wouldn’t really spend all that much time thinking about it, debating it, agonizing over it.
I wore a pair of grey cords to work today, ones that I have never been able to fit into even though I bought them years ago. They fit great now, loose but not too loose and I felt really good after putting them on and realizing the zipper went up with no battle of the bulge! I wore a black button down dress shirt with them and while the thought may have quickly waltzed through my head, I dismissed it just as quickly and went on with my day.
Much later at work, in the bathroom with the door latched tight I did something that has been on my mind for a while, but never quite letting myself give it a try because many times who I see in the mirror and who I really am are two different people. No matter how I try, the images of a 600lb girl stare back at me with rolls and folds that simply do not exist, at least not to the extent they did in the past. Still I quickly unbuckle my belt, unzip the cords and shove my shirt into my pants, and pull out the shirt just enough but I can’t look….I tug at the shirt till it’s free from it’s confines and start to walk out of the door. I think about the swimming pool, about the steps I took, about the shame and I tell myself if I can do that surly I can just see what it looks like with my shirt tucked in. I try again, shoving my shirt into my cords and getting the belt just right and pulling the fabric back out till it’s comfortable. I stand there with one eye open looking in the mirror and I don’t think I look half bad, it’s not half bad!
If only I trusted myself, but I don’t, not with something like this, what if I am wrong. I open the door and don’t hear anyone so I briskly walk back to my office where he sits at his desk, he will not bullshit me.
“Scott, I need to ask you something you have to tell me the truth, does this shirt look hideous tucked into my pants?’
Looking up from his work he is clearly not horrified by the sight of it….”nope it’s fine… wait, what do you mean?” I reply “am I too fat to tuck this in?”
“No, I didn’t even think about that, I though you meant does that particular shirt look good tucked in, it looks just fine Lor”….and with that he went back to working on his report and I walked to my desk with my shirt tucked in.
Scott would not lie, he has become my voice of reason over the past 5 months time and time again, my trust in him is unwavering. I tell myself go grab your keys and get up out of your chair and go run your errand to Whole Foods on your break.
Today I wore my shirt tucked in.