Blame is a killer.
I can blame it on my job, on the stress, or on the day, blame it on the past, on those who have walked away, if i try I can almost find enough blame to drown the pain. It’s so easy to talk
yourself myself into not taking responsibility for my actions, my choices and my failures shortcomings.
I found today to be incredibly hard, and I think it goes beyond just today, I have always found February a struggle to fight through until the grey skies and dreary days give way to the possibilities of spring. February holds such sorrow and such joy and as we go through the rest of the month I will be writing more about that.
Today, I felt sorry for myself. I made bad choices when it came to food and it was like a familiar old friend stopping by for a visit. The actions were to simply fill the void, plug the hole, desperate to stop the bleeding before what seemed like the last of my spirit seeped out on the kitchen floor. These are the hardest entries to write, the honesty is almost too much to bear even though I know in the end there is no substitute or easy answer for looking my fears in the face, exposing them one by one so that the power is no longer in the act but rather lies in the answers I find along the way.
Coffee with a little cream, whole grain english muffin with fruit and yogurt, gluten free pasta with homemade turkey/vegetable bolognese, dried apricots, I then made the choice to eat some sweets in the kitchen at work, a small brownie, and 3 small cookies. It is now in my head and the slow beating begins, one dove chocolate, then two, (STOP!) but I can’t and I get home and even though there is no “bad” food in the house I find a way to self destruct. I cook and make concoctions that make no sense…organic marshmallows, melted with earth balance spread, folded into kashi bran flakes…it is a god awful bastardization of a rice krispy treat creation and yet I eat because it’s not about the food at this point it’s about the action, about the addiction to finding the comfort in the act of eating.
I broke a promise to myself and I called no one, I reached out to no one, so who else can I blame? No one. I am grateful that this is the one place I can say what I need to say…
“Walkin’ like a one man army
Fightin’ with the shadows in your head
Livin’ up the same old moment
Knowin’ you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say”