Getting the job done.
More and more I believe in the power of suggestion, the power of putting a thought into the universe or asking for something and it comes to you in the oddest and often times most perfect forms. Some call it prayer, some call it karma, whatever label you want to attach to it, I call it a gift. I have written about being fearful of my busy season at work, I know it is going to be a struggle, I know that I really have to up my game and find a way to be stronger than the demons, the old habits, that filling the void not be done with food. I have amazing support, not only mental support from folks like Sarah holding me to whatever I tell her is my limit when we go out (even when I pout), to Scott talking me down from the pastry laden kitchen at work, to Amy and Lauren there at a moments notice should I think of driving thru Frisch’s…and everyone in between, but also an army of people who move me, one by one…swim with me, walk with me and it keeps me in check as I move forward. It’s takes a village. It.really.does.
A couple of weeks ago a friend said to me at a Recycled Doggies adoption event. “I have a proposition for you”, now when someone says that to you, the thought generally is “uh, oh” what now? In this case the proposition ended up being a gift really, a selfless act of friendship, an overwhelming gesture of a commitment that may very well be the key to my success going forward. I can’t thank her enough.
Three times a week my friend Lindsey is going to be my personal trainer, she is going to meet me at the gym, she is going to set up a program just for me to focus on my body, my goals and take on the hardest part, my mind. My biggest enemy is sadly not a slab of cake or a couple of cheeseburgers, but my own menu of mind blowing, self deprecating deconstruction that can uproot me in no time at all. Lindsey is trained, she has her degree and certification but she has something else that you can’t learn or buy, she does not treat me like a fat person.
I worked out with her yesterday for the first time. I knew in a second what a huge gift I had been given, because there is something that sets her apart from most others, something that for a morbidly obese person translates into hope. She does not treat me like I am fat, so as a result I don’t feel fat. Do you have any idea the freedom that comes with that? The moments when your body is moving and you feel normal, you feel like your place in the world is not defined by the strict rules that have been made by society regarding size and weight. I stand in front of the mirror and look at my devastating body, the toll the years have taken, and the shame, there is always so much shame. I don’t live there long and there is work to be done, and while I look at Lindsey and her perfectly fit and toned body that is not really what strikes me, what stays with me is the kindness in her eyes, in her voice and her actions, and that is enough to power through the hang ups I have about my body and my shame. The kindness can pretty much cut through the ugly every time.
In our rescue group Lindsey is the one who takes the dogs that are not perfect, the ones with issues, the ones that are not the best to look at, the ones who have been deemed harder to adopt. The ones that need special care, someone to take the time to see beyond what everyone else sees. It makes perfect sense that she is the one for me! Yesterday I looked at Lindsey and said “your gonna kick my ass aren’t you”, with a grin she said “nope, we’re just getting the job done”, and so we will. We will get the job done!