There is cake in my cart.
I promised to write about the hard things…
I have not been my best self this week and while I know we all falter it is hard to hang the laundry on the line for everyone to look at, but it’s part of my healing and the key to moving forward.
“There is cake in my cart” that is all I could muster up as my voice cracked and the tears came like a overfilled water ballon that just got the needle when she answered the phone. I had managed to stop myself from leaving the store with cake, circling the aisles and thinking of the past, the promises to myself, to the dogs, and my promise to Lindsey who I could vividly see yelling out and cheering me on at the gym in front of all the fit people, cheering as Jessica runs beside me both of us holding weights above our head. It would be that thought, that image which would mean more to me than the need for the cake, and when Sarah answered the phone, it was over. Just like any other disarmament she would coax me to put the cake on the floor and walk away, talking to me for at least 20 minuets while I strolled the aisles of fish sticks and salad dressing trying to make sense of it all. How do you repay someone for that level of unconditional kindness and love? I do not know.
When I felt strong enough, we hung up and I went to the checkout with my purchases, Strawberries, 1%milk, and banannas. I went in for cake, I came out with the lessons that will keep me nourished in a completely different way. Being able to recognize the toxic eating and reaching out is a big step because I could have hidden in my car and eaten the cake like I have done so many times before and no one would have to know. I would know, and unlike the past that now means something to me, I mean something to me and I am worth calling and asking for help.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will do the best I can and work out hard with Lindsey and have faith that the next step forward will be taken. I must be kind to myself.
“Be yourself. Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search or struggle. Just Be.”
Thich Nhat Hanh