Head of the class.
Last night we decided to do one of the classes offered at the gym. Let me rephrase that, Lindsey decided we should try out one of the classes offered at the gym. When she said it, I had a bit of a panicky feeling inside and a voice that questioned if I could do it, the same voice that in the past has echoed the words, failure, useless, too fat, worthless and a whole litany of other cruel words that linger in the back of my mind, though surface less and less these days. Not unlike Tristan change is hard for me too, I like the comfort of having the security of Lindsey when we are working out, and even though anybody and their brother can see me struggling, sweating, grunting and flopping my girth around, in my mind there is a invisible protective barrier surrounding our work out space. Maybe it’s that I have come to completely trust Linds and Jess for that matter, and it is something I can’t really explain but there is a difference when I am at the gym alone and when I am with one or both of them. I long to find the strength to walk tall when I am alone as I do when I am with one or both of them. I have come so far, but it does not take much to find myself reeling in the fears of the past.
The plan was to arrive at the gym early for the “Minute Mayhem” class and find a place in the very back, where no one could watch me. Jess was meeting us there and I went with a mission to seek out a spot for all of us. I walk the path to the room it is held in and I see the room is already filling up, and the back spaces were taken. I was there 15 minuets early damn it! I see all of these people, all thin, all muscles and fit and I panick. I leave. I head back out to the lobby and craft my argument for us to just work out like normal. I run into Lindsey and I tell her I don’t think there is room for us. Nice try….she knows me better than that. We go in together and we find a space in back of the very back.
It was a fun class in spite of me being uptight and worried I would do something wrong or not be able to do a certain exercise at all. In the end it didn’t matter because the real goal of that class was to just keep moving so if the high speed instructor gave us the next move and I had a panicked look on my face or I just stood there Linds would give me an adjustment or something else similar to do and I would refocus and be fine. It did not help that the very nice woman in front of me was marching to her own drum and really did nothing the rest of the class did so out of default I followed what she was doing even though it was not what the rest of the room was doing. I found that I could do almost all of the exercises the class was doing as well as the lady in front of me! After 45 minuets of mayhem I was ready to be done, then the instructor said “okay folks we are done with this portion (THANK GOD) but if you want to stay for 15 minutes of a killer ab shredding workout grab a mat (uh, NO THANKS) but then I look over at Lindsey with that silly, gotta push through this and work hard, c’mon it’ll be fun smile on her face she says “Wanna Stay?” My body says HELL NO WOMAN, my spirit, heart and determination smile back and I say “Sure”.
We finish the ab work and I actually really liked it, heck in the end I liked the whole thing. Nothing bad happened, and I couldn’t have looked any goofier than the lady with the spray on orange tan and too short shorts, bless her heart. It is a constant reminder that I have to push forward, I have to trust myself and I have to be brave and walk where I have not walked before to get where I need to go.
Tonight….kickboxing class! I am not kidding. More soon…..