truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

It is the definition of honesty and it is the hardest part of this project. Being honest with those who read these words, those who walk the path with me, and being honest with myself is no doubt the hardest part of it all. I am the queen of selling myself oceanfront property in Tennessee, of talking circles around my own common sense until I am not sure what the right answer is anymore. I have struggled with writing the past few weeks, I have so much to say but the words just float around in my head as if they are in a partially filled bathtub that just won’t drain despite my very best efforts to free the stubborn clog that holds the key to moving forward.

I am stuck, I am stressed, I am struggling and I find myself fighting with all my might to keep my head above the water, to keep myself from gulping down the habits from the past that are so familiar to me. It terrifies me, it immobilizes me at times and like all of the other moments I have faced like this one, I will only be free from the ghosts of the past if I open the window and let the light shine in, so I can see it and look it in the face and say not this time.

It is a toxic combination this time of year for me. Work is very stressful and consuming time wise,  there is never a lack of calories around the offices and whole floors are off limits to me. Late night gatherings, with comfort food and a waterfall of cocktails to put the day behind us has been a given in the past.  My birthday is on Wednesday which is bittersweet as I give thanks for all the amazing people in my life who will celebrate with me but  I will also be mourning a gift that was taken from me a few years ago leaving an undeniable void inside me that I have yet to figure out how to fill. I don’t have a choice but I still choose you.

In the end these are just excuses and I have to find the strength to get through this phase, to just take one small step forward so I do not get stuck, overwhelmed and become my own worst enemy. This is not about weight loss, it’s not about the numbers on the scale but this is the ugly face of addiction, and I can never forget how close to the edge I dance everyday simply by existing because there is no cold turkey with food. I can’t walk away from it and simply say I had a three meal habit a day and I am done with it forever. Can you imagine telling a cocaine addict they can only have one small line three times a day. It is everywhere I turn, it is always at my heels waiting for me the moment I am weak.  I won’t give up, giving up is simply not an option because as I have said in the beginning I could always give up on myself, but I can’t give up on the dogs, the people who love me, who stand beside me and who believe that I am stronger than this addiction. I will not give up.

 

 

 

3 Comments

  1. Moody says:

    I am with Linda and John all the way!
    You’ve come so far and made so much progress, touching people’s hearts all around. I mean, look at me, I’m sitting here at my computer, thousands of miles away, reading your words and feeling an urge to write something back, to give you support and tell you to hang in there, to keep fighting. Yet we have never met and we probably never will (unless I win big on the Lottery some day, at which point I will definitely make the trip!)
    You have been an inspiration and I cannot stop admiring your courage and stamina. Your determination. And your honesty. To yourself and to us, perfect strangers and good friends alike. You could’ve chosen to make this blog private and to only accept your friends to follow your journey. Instead, you chose to share it with the world. With people like me, on the other side of the globe and others, on the other side of the city.
    You have shared with us all your struggles, all your panic, your pain, your heartache, your hope and fear, your demons.
    You have shown us pictures of who you were and of who you have become.
    You have shown us joy and happiness and you have shown us despair.

    One thing you haven’t shown us, is how good you are at giving up.
    You’re not a quitter, Lori.
    Not anymore.
    You have found strength and courage to keep on fighting, to keep on struggling.
    You will prevail!
    I know you will.

    Hard times are part of it.
    Pain and suffering are at the basis of all healing.
    I may have told you this before, but in case I haven’t, know that sometimes the only way to heal, is by tearing the wound wide open again so it can bleed and cleanse before you can start healing for real. It hurts, I know it does, but you have the strength to keep going. One foot in front of the other, moving on auto-pilot if you have to, but always moving forward. Never look back at what you were, you’re not that person anymore. You have grown.
    You have changed.
    You have won more battles in the last months, than you probably have in your entire life.
    Don’t give up now.
    You can make it!
    Believe in yourself as we believe in you.
    I believe in you.
    I’ve never met you, but I believe in you.
    I believe you can make this.
    I believe you can beat your demon and make your life better and I believe you can make the world a better place for others, human as well as canine.

    Let our words lift you up and carry you furhter until you’ve found your footing again, then continue on your journey. Walk, jog, run, sprint towards the light you see in the distance. It’s there, waiting for you. Waiting for you to reach it.
    You will reach it.
    Keep going.
    One step at a time.

    Love,
    Moody.

  2. John S. says:

    Lori
    I have loved you almost since the day we met some 13 years ago. 9 months ago, you began a journey that has touched and inspired ma and many others in ways I never could have guessed. Your strength, courage and unrelenting focus is something of which to be very proud. The fearless exposure you have shared with us on your blog is a gift I look forward to, as it challenges me to be better. To do better. I wish I had some thing to give to you, on your birthday, to help firm your footing. Perhaps a small medallion with an inscription as warm and loving as your heart, or a crystal that sparkles with joy as you did at the finish line last month. If only I could give you a bottomless velvet bag full of tokens to replenish any account where you might find a deficit, just as your blog has given us a place to look for inspiration. I urge you to continue to embrace the gift you have given yourself. As for me, all I can offer is my thanks and enduring love. Happy Birthday!

  3. Linda Troy says:

    Hi Lori,
    I’ve missed seeing your blogs the past couple of weeks–meaning, I’ve missed reading your story and learning how you are doing–plus enjoying the interesting way that you write. So I was delighted to see a blog post pop up on my FB page today, and started catching up on a couple of back-posts with interest. Tonight I read that you are struggling–as we all do from time to time. You are struggling to fight past addictions and to feel that you are continuing to make progress. Yet, let me remind you of a quote from a recent post “Last night as I stood in the “Urban Fit” class filled with woman of all ages, sizes, colors and shapes it became clear to me that who I was in the past is no longer who I am today.” You may be in a challenging place tonight, but you are not the same person you were 6 months ago–even if it feels like you are struggling with the “same old challenges.” Allow yourself the place to grieve your losses, even when it means losing what is most familiar to you–old habits and patterns. You WILL get through this, and you WILL continue to be changed and made new. Hang in there. God bless you. Linda Troy

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