truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
It is the definition of honesty and it is the hardest part of this project. Being honest with those who read these words, those who walk the path with me, and being honest with myself is no doubt the hardest part of it all. I am the queen of selling myself oceanfront property in Tennessee, of talking circles around my own common sense until I am not sure what the right answer is anymore. I have struggled with writing the past few weeks, I have so much to say but the words just float around in my head as if they are in a partially filled bathtub that just won’t drain despite my very best efforts to free the stubborn clog that holds the key to moving forward.
I am stuck, I am stressed, I am struggling and I find myself fighting with all my might to keep my head above the water, to keep myself from gulping down the habits from the past that are so familiar to me. It terrifies me, it immobilizes me at times and like all of the other moments I have faced like this one, I will only be free from the ghosts of the past if I open the window and let the light shine in, so I can see it and look it in the face and say not this time.
It is a toxic combination this time of year for me. Work is very stressful and consuming time wise, there is never a lack of calories around the offices and whole floors are off limits to me. Late night gatherings, with comfort food and a waterfall of cocktails to put the day behind us has been a given in the past. My birthday is on Wednesday which is bittersweet as I give thanks for all the amazing people in my life who will celebrate with me but I will also be mourning a gift that was taken from me a few years ago leaving an undeniable void inside me that I have yet to figure out how to fill. I don’t have a choice but I still choose you.
In the end these are just excuses and I have to find the strength to get through this phase, to just take one small step forward so I do not get stuck, overwhelmed and become my own worst enemy. This is not about weight loss, it’s not about the numbers on the scale but this is the ugly face of addiction, and I can never forget how close to the edge I dance everyday simply by existing because there is no cold turkey with food. I can’t walk away from it and simply say I had a three meal habit a day and I am done with it forever. Can you imagine telling a cocaine addict they can only have one small line three times a day. It is everywhere I turn, it is always at my heels waiting for me the moment I am weak. I won’t give up, giving up is simply not an option because as I have said in the beginning I could always give up on myself, but I can’t give up on the dogs, the people who love me, who stand beside me and who believe that I am stronger than this addiction. I will not give up.