getting good and steep…
That is the hill I am walking up…it is getting good and steep. Work is so stressful that I fight everyday to not comfort myself with the food that is everywhere in my world. I am working hard with Lindsey, I am hurling myself forward to not be stagnant, to not give my past bad habits a chance to catch up with me and yell BOO in my time of chaos.
While I have been working hard and working out, something has felt off for me over the last couple of weeks. It occurred to me that my writing has been put on the back burner and it needs to be front and center, it needs to continue to be a big part of the work I am doing. The writing is therapeutic, it grounds me and it has become the safe place for me to lay my burdens down. I work, I work out, I come home and I play with the dogs and after being on a computer all day I find it hard to sit myself down again in front of the screen to write. A few times I have tried to write in the morning, but that is just not possible for me. I do not have that ability to rise at the crack of dawn and function too much let alone write with any focus, and certainly not before the coffee brings life to my sleepyhead haze. I like the night time. I like writing while the dogs are gathered around me snoozing, snoring all tuckered out from their day. I like looking at Tristan and the feeling of love that washes over me at the mere sight of him lying there, happy, safe and perfect.
The stillness of the night, the spin of the ceiling fan above me as the day winds down is the very best times to write.
So here I sit this evening after a very long stressful day putting some thoughts down before the weigh in tomorrow morning. I am not focused on the number so much tonight, but I am sure that will change when I click my seat belt in place tomorrow morning and drive to Dr. B’s office knowing I am just minutes from holding my breath as I step on the scale.
I feel a disconnect, and it is that disconnect that scares me, the knowledge that I am not going back, not this time…only forward and to go forward I must keep moving in that direction. It becomes an uncomfortable area of grey in my very comfortable black and white recliner of a world. I have changed so much in the past 9 months that I am not sure I would be content if I did not continue to search for how I can be a better person, and how that can effect the world around me. I find the walls closing in on me and when you feel like you are not needed or wanted anymore, the decision is almost made for you. We will see what happens.
There is a machine at the gym that is like a moving staircase. I tried to get on it one night a few months ago. I tried several times, unable to move my girth up onto the first step to get going. I could not do it. Lindsey loves it and pops up on it like she is hoping up on a curb, totally effortless. The other day I decided to try again and while not completely effortless, it was far from impossible. I have to remember that the steepest climbs, the most frustrating struggles can be conquered…when you are ready.