getting good and steep…

That is the hill I am walking up…it is getting good and steep. Work is so stressful that I fight everyday to not comfort myself with the food that is everywhere in my world. I am working hard with Lindsey, I am hurling myself forward to not be stagnant, to not give my past bad habits a chance to catch up with me and yell BOO in my time of chaos.

While I have been working hard and working out, something has felt off for me over the last couple of weeks. It occurred to me that my writing has been put on the back burner and it needs to be front and center, it needs to continue to be  a big part of the work I am doing. The writing is therapeutic, it grounds me and it has become the safe place for me to lay my burdens down. I work, I work out, I come home and I play with the dogs and after being on a computer all day I find it hard to sit myself down again in front of the screen to write. A few times I have tried to write in the morning, but that is just not possible for me. I do not have that ability to rise at the crack of dawn and function too much let alone write with any focus, and certainly not before the coffee brings life to my sleepyhead haze.  I like the night time. I like writing while the dogs are gathered around me snoozing, snoring all tuckered out from their day. I like looking at Tristan and the feeling of love that washes over me at the mere sight of him lying there, happy, safe and perfect.

The stillness of the night, the spin of the ceiling fan above me as the day winds down is  the very best times to write.

So here I sit this evening after a very long stressful day putting some thoughts down before the weigh in tomorrow morning. I am not focused on the number so much tonight, but I am sure that will change when I click my seat belt in place tomorrow morning and drive to Dr. B’s office  knowing I am just minutes from holding  my breath as I step on the scale.

I feel a disconnect, and it is that disconnect that scares me, the knowledge that I am not going back, not this time…only forward and to go forward I must  keep moving in that direction. It becomes an uncomfortable area of grey in my very comfortable  black and white recliner of a world. I have changed so much in the past 9 months that I am not sure I would be content if I did not continue to search for how I can be a better person, and how that can effect the world around me. I find the walls closing in on me and when you feel like you are not needed or wanted anymore, the decision is almost made for you.  We will see what happens.

There is a machine at the gym that is like a moving staircase. I tried to get on it one night a few months ago. I tried several times, unable to move my girth up onto the first step to get going. I could not do it. Lindsey loves it and pops up on it like she is hoping up on a curb, totally effortless. The other day I decided to try again and while not completely effortless, it was far from impossible.  I have to remember that the steepest climbs, the most frustrating struggles can be conquered…when you are ready.


crazy cardio contraption






  1. Moody says:

    Damn, I must’ve missed this entry.
    I know the machine and I know what it does to you!!!
    Years ago, I had a subscription at a small gym and I went three times a week with my best friend. Sometimes, her sister or another friend would join us, but most of the time, it was just the two of us, working out and trying to lose some weight before our planned vacation (first one I ever took alone).
    One day, I decided to give that thing a try.
    I got on, set a program and started it …. putting myself up for the toughest 15 minutes of my life!!!!
    That shit is CRAZY!!!
    By the time I got halfway through the program I had chosen, a bunch of people had gathered around me. People I did not know by name mostly, people who had gotten used to seeing me around the club.

    I did not think I would make it to the end of the program as I was sweating, breathing hard and pulling my legs up with increasing difficulty. More people gathered around as the cheering-on increased (as I was struggling harder to keep going).
    I have no idea how I did it, but the cheers and support kept me going and I made it to the end of the run (figure of speech, coz I sure as hell wasn’t running on that thing). As the program came to an end, all I could do, was try not to fall off and I hung onto the support for balance. Three guys moved in behind me, telling me it was okay, they had me. With no other choice but to trust, I let go and they did – in fact – catch me. Meanwhile, the owner had run off to the bar to get me a drink and he came back moments after those guys had helped me down from that thing, offering the drink which I couldn’t even hold on my own. It wasn’t water though, it was a special energy drink, meant to give me back what I had just squeezed out of myself. I needed TWO to get anywhere near breathing normally again.

    It was one of the worst workouts I have EVER put myself through and I was sore for days, even though I had been working out three times a week for months. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it though, because it felt so damn GOOD!!

    One day, you’ll have your own 15 minutes of fame on that torturing devise, and you’ll love it as deeply as I do.

    Oh and …. this happened over 20 years ago ;o)
    Shouldn’t try it anymore though, I’d probably blow both my knees out in the first 30 seconds.

  2. Nancy Bailey says:

    Have you looked at your pics lately? Crossing the finish line, or the one from months ago of you holding up the tooooo big pants, or any of the ones with you and your friends smiling? I think those are motivating! You rock!

  3. John S. says:

    Keep writing..keep you!

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