recycle, reuse, reduce.
As I have gotten older I would like to think I am beginning to understand how I tick, or at least acknowledge when my clock needs winding. I think whenever I have a gain on the scale it snowballs pretty fast in my mind that I am going backward and for me a great fear is that I will end up at 600 lbs again. As I write those words, I realize there is a very unlikely probability that will ever happen, but none the less that thought is always there lingering just behind the curtain of my certainty.
After getting a few hours sleep last night only to find myself right back at my mess of a desk this morning I knew what I needed to do once my workday finished. I got in my car, put on my new favorite playlist and drove to the Petsmart that Recycled Doggies holds their weekend adoptions at. I have been so busy, that I have missed being there, I have missed seeing everyone and seeing the dogs and the puppies and the puppy breath! It grounds me because it’s not about weight or weigh-ins or workouts it is simply about the dogs which is what ignited me to start this whole thing in the first place. The support is unspoken, these folks are very much like family and it was just what I needed to get myself back on solid ground. Recycled Doggies sometimes saves the two legged ones as well as the four legged variety! When I think about it, it is overwhelming to envision the path that led me here. Sometimes when you are left with no choice, it becomes the very best choice you could have made.
I reuse the words over and over…thankful, supportive, kindness, generosity, and love. Sometimes it feels impossible to find the words to express the enormity of all I have been given. In my quest to reduce my girth, to shed my past and to get to that place of stillness and total acceptance of myself there is all this in-between something I did not foresee and I am learning that this is the best part. In the end when I look back it will come down to the moments between the struggles and triumphs that tell the real story. The savoring of the meal is in each bite not once you have cleaned your plate.
I am desperate trying to let go of the number on the scale, each weigh in will be a test to that commitment to myself, and come September 1st I will be proud of whatever the scale reads. Do not mistake that as me slacking or giving up, if anything I will work harder and lord knows Linds is not going to let anything that resembles slacking happen! We are back at the gym this week, and I can’t wait! Don’t tell her this but I kinda miss being sore, I know that sounds crazy but it’s nice to feel the burn. It is not over in September, not my journey, not the dog-lbs project, not my weight-loss and it’s far from the end of the story I have yet to tell. More details later on what’s in store.
“Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with the truth. -Thich Nhat Hanh.”