Days like this.

I have said it from the beginning, these are by far the hardest posts to write. I talk myself out of writing them just as the echo of my capped crusader conscience sweeps in and drops a burlap sack of “tell the truth” at my feet. I have no choice now, I have not shied away from the pain of writing the words that are so slow to escape my fingers knowing I am better off for sharing them and not keeping them inside. I know many people experience the same struggles, I am not alone and you are not alone.

It is the end of a very long day. A painful day, one of memories and a Tennessee Waltz pounding in my chest, dancing could have beens… should have beens all around my lonely summertime dreams. Sometimes life does not deal you the hand you are sure you will hold at the end of the day…then what? The stress of the week is slowly building and I have done my part to put in place the tools I need to succeed. I met Lindsey yesterday morning for a workout at 7:30am to start the chaos off with a solid workout under my belt. I ate well yesterday and yet I could feel the wheels start to bear to the right off course, I began to lose focus. The pull of old habits, comfort of the excess and longing to fill the void the things after all this time, I still miss the most.

The day did not start out badly, it was just busy and frustrating it became consuming and then I was overcome with being perfect in my day, but somehow I managed to eat all the food I had brought for the entire day by noon.  It was 4 small cookies that started the pull downward…they were not in my plan, they were not on the list and to be honest they were not even that good. Those  cookies set the roller coaster in motion and my only choice was to keep my hands and feet inside the tram as I sailed down the hill trying unsuccessfully to find a way to stop. Like a rocket I  tore through pizza slices, soda, chips, lemon tarts, and chocolate before the cart came to a complete stop at my destination God only knows how many calories I had racked up on that ride.

I am not at all proud to write this post but it is important that secrets are not pushed down to grow into shame and that the only thing I write about are triumphs and successes. It has been important for me to write about the hard parts with honesty and courage, trying to give a face to the struggle of food addiction. This was not a success but rather a  life lesson. Two things saved me tonight as I knew I had the potential to do a lot of damage in a very short time. The first was a perfectly ripe peach from South Carolina that my friend Amy brought back for us to share at work. I took one with me and promised myself that was the only additional thing I would eat tonight, something healthy and delicious and something brought to me with love. I remember a friend of mine who also struggled with weight said that after he had binged or eaten beyond the limits he promised himself the VERY next thing he put into his body was healthy, not waiting till the next day or the start of the week. The other was my decision to pick up my phone and dial numbers…like Lauren sitting at the drive through waiting to order and Sarah saving me in the cake aisle, I dial the first number on the list. I am barely audible, maybe making no sense at all,  but the desperation of the confession is clear and the pain unmistakable. There is calm comforting kindness and  a reassurance on the other end of the  line that this is part of learning how to live a different way, how to pick up and move forward and how to love myself. The phone call ends with an agreement between us to meet at the gym tomorrow morning at 7:00am.

 

10 Comments

  1. Moody says:

    Hey Lori,

    I haven’t been reading in a while even though I have been thinking of you a lot and have “kept an eye on you” through some of your posts on Facebook. Thing is, I had to switch browsers and haven’t found a way to transfer all of my “favorites” to the other one. It doesn’t work the same and when I don’t see something, I don’t always think of it.
    Sorry for not being as present as I used to be.

    Either way, I wanted to say you’re very courageous posting about this, telling the world you had an “off day” when only those around you were witness to it and you could easily have wiped it under the carpet. Instead, you chose to share it with those who follow your adventure and anyone else who might stumble onto this page for whatever reason. That takes a lot of guts, because you have no idea who is going to read it. Laying your soul down for everyone to see, takes a strong person.

    And I agree with Bud and Bob, it’a all part of learning and your ability to bounce back and continue down the path you have chosen for yourself, is extraordinary. You’ll get there. Maybe not in the exact time frame you set for yourself, but you cannot see that as a failure. You’re not failing. Not failing yourself. Not failing your family and friends. Not failing Tristan.
    You trip and fall, but get back up and keep going. That is strength. That is courage. We’re all rooting for you, simply because you are such an inspiration. I haven’t found my path yet. I haven’t gone swimming in months and I have gained what little I had lost. I have to start from scratch and give it another go, I know I need to. For my own health and to -hopefully- keep my knees from blowing out on me.
    You didn’t give up.
    One bad day doesn’t make this whole thing go away.
    One bad day, is just another one on the long road you are walking, head held high.
    Keep walking, Lori, and keep your head up.

    Love,
    Moody.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Moody!

      I am glad to see you back on the boards, your presence and perspective have been missed! 😉

      It’s funny because the accountability has been the one thing that has been the unflappable. I truly believe that to be free of my toxic relationship with food I have to expose it so that the power no longer lies in the power of the secrets.

      Your right you fall, you get back up and keep going that is the way to get where ever you are going! I know you will find your way Moody, there is nothing you can’t do, when you are ready you will take that step and it will be the step that leads you down the road you need to be on. Be good to yourself friend, you always have support right here!
      xo
      L

  2. Bud Walters says:

    With any addiction be it food, drink, or drugs there is a motto. Two steps forward and ONE step back. Look how many steps forward you have taken BEFORE you have even taken ONE step back. You are learning only if you know you have done something wrong. Think of the days when you did eat mindlessly and never gave it another thought. Don’t be too hard on yourself for taking that one step back. At least you know you took it and that is called LEARNING. Keep moving forward only to look back at what you have accomplished.
    We love you and will support you in every way.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Sweet Buddy,

      It is a process and at times it feels like the hill is too steep, but it’s about the journey getting to where I need to be. Such a hard thing to be good to myself when it’s not reflected on the scale but I am getting my head around the fact that it is just a part of the whole picture of the success I am having. I love you and Ross and I am so grateful for you! xo L

  3. Bob W. says:

    Hey Lori. Your entry makes me think of riding bikes. I have been riding a bike for more years than I really want to admit. Recently, with purchasing a “better” bike, I switched to using the clip pedals that you lock your shoe into, instead of the cages or just plain pedals. Using this clip system is new to me, and there have been a handful of occasions where I didn’t unclip my foot fast enough and tumbled down. A bruise here, a scrape there, but I got up, and clipped in and started again. Now the fall was maybe not so much that the mind didn’t know what to do, but the feet or legs didn’t respond fast enough. But now that the tumbles have occurred, I am better prepared since I learned from my mistakes and now clicking out seems so much more natural. Not to say it won’t happen again. And one may question why would anyone use this type of system when the old way worked well in the past. But I can honestly say that it does make riding easier, using less effort and thus being able to ride farther.

    So as your mind and your body are adjusting to a whole new approach towards life, food, and your relationship with so many new things, if you take a little tumble, shake your head, laugh at yourself, and get back on that bike. Doesn’t mean there won’t be another tumble, but you are better prepared for it and the benefits of “riding that bike” far outweigh deciding not to or going back to the old way of pedaling.

    I have one more XO for you than you can ever have for me. 🙂

    • dogl2324 says:

      Bob,
      You are right, and this whole thing is about the ride. It is about getting back up when life throws me down, and life will continue to do that, and I will continue to get up and fight the good fight! Thank you for always being there when I stumble.
      Love you very much….
      L

  4. Naomi says:

    What sets you apart is your self awareness and knowledge that what you are doing matters – to you, to others! There’s no perfection, only our ability to recover and reset. Your ability to do these things continues to inspire us all!

    • dogl2324 says:

      Naomi,

      The recover and reset is so new to me, because all I have know has been fail and spiral out of control. Now it really is different the ability to pick myself up and move forward and not linger in the self pity and destruction is probably one of the biggest things I have learned how to do over the past year. Yes, there is no perfection and I need to remember that! xoxo

  5. John S. says:

    I still love you…pizza breath and all. An occasional bad day helps us to appreciate the many good ones. Hang in there sweet girl.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

eighteen + 4 =