Days like this.
I have said it from the beginning, these are by far the hardest posts to write. I talk myself out of writing them just as the echo of my capped crusader conscience sweeps in and drops a burlap sack of “tell the truth” at my feet. I have no choice now, I have not shied away from the pain of writing the words that are so slow to escape my fingers knowing I am better off for sharing them and not keeping them inside. I know many people experience the same struggles, I am not alone and you are not alone.
It is the end of a very long day. A painful day, one of memories and a Tennessee Waltz pounding in my chest, dancing could have beens… should have beens all around my lonely summertime dreams. Sometimes life does not deal you the hand you are sure you will hold at the end of the day…then what? The stress of the week is slowly building and I have done my part to put in place the tools I need to succeed. I met Lindsey yesterday morning for a workout at 7:30am to start the chaos off with a solid workout under my belt. I ate well yesterday and yet I could feel the wheels start to bear to the right off course, I began to lose focus. The pull of old habits, comfort of the excess and longing to fill the void the things after all this time, I still miss the most.
The day did not start out badly, it was just busy and frustrating it became consuming and then I was overcome with being perfect in my day, but somehow I managed to eat all the food I had brought for the entire day by noon. It was 4 small cookies that started the pull downward…they were not in my plan, they were not on the list and to be honest they were not even that good. Those cookies set the roller coaster in motion and my only choice was to keep my hands and feet inside the tram as I sailed down the hill trying unsuccessfully to find a way to stop. Like a rocket I tore through pizza slices, soda, chips, lemon tarts, and chocolate before the cart came to a complete stop at my destination God only knows how many calories I had racked up on that ride.
I am not at all proud to write this post but it is important that secrets are not pushed down to grow into shame and that the only thing I write about are triumphs and successes. It has been important for me to write about the hard parts with honesty and courage, trying to give a face to the struggle of food addiction. This was not a success but rather a life lesson. Two things saved me tonight as I knew I had the potential to do a lot of damage in a very short time. The first was a perfectly ripe peach from South Carolina that my friend Amy brought back for us to share at work. I took one with me and promised myself that was the only additional thing I would eat tonight, something healthy and delicious and something brought to me with love. I remember a friend of mine who also struggled with weight said that after he had binged or eaten beyond the limits he promised himself the VERY next thing he put into his body was healthy, not waiting till the next day or the start of the week. The other was my decision to pick up my phone and dial numbers…like Lauren sitting at the drive through waiting to order and Sarah saving me in the cake aisle, I dial the first number on the list. I am barely audible, maybe making no sense at all, but the desperation of the confession is clear and the pain unmistakable. There is calm comforting kindness and a reassurance on the other end of the line that this is part of learning how to live a different way, how to pick up and move forward and how to love myself. The phone call ends with an agreement between us to meet at the gym tomorrow morning at 7:00am.