There are food items I have given up, or at least given up eating them the way I once did. It is a fine line, a slippery slope of want, need, and nourishment. I don’t want to live my life without finding the balance of eating healthy and enjoying the foods that I love. I find when I am healthy and grounded I make such amazing choices for myself and when I am not grounded the toxic sludge of food is still my drug of choice.
I sometimes crave foods that in the past I would gobble down with no aftertaste or acknowledgement of the caloric regret that came right along with it.
This is probably what we all think of when we think of having pancakes. It’s what I think of and it is the slideshow of past memories that flicker in my mind along with the taste of those pancakes that has me longing for them. Saturday mornings with my Dad in the kitchen making me small round discs of fluffy love. He called them “silver dollars” and he sometimes would try to make Micky Mouse ears for me that always went tragically wrong, but I remember laughing and loving them anyway. I don’t know if my craving is really for pancakes at all, I would think my craving is more for having just one more Saturday morning with my Dad.
I have perfected making the vanilla bean, sour cream pancakes with toasted walnuts and fresh blueberries served with browned butter and a bourbon infused maple syrup. I am sure a stack of those babies has more calories than I now eat in two days. So when I woke up craving pancakes this morning, I knew I had to figure it out. I am not willing to make them for myself, especially being aware that they triggered a part of me that is really just missing my Dad. Not doing the old habits anymore, not going to drown my sorrow in maple syrup and butter today.
I am not a baker, I love to cook, I am good at cooking, but my slap dash baking skills leave a lot to be desired. I am to much of an anti-measuring fool to be any good at baking…oh that LOOKS like a teaspoon of baking powder, you see the problem. However this morning I decided to make scones so I used whole wheat flour, oats, olive oil, grey salt, agave, madagascar vanilla bean, an egg, and a bit of light sour cream, so in the end I made an offering that was not 2,000 calorie pancakes. The batch made 8 lovely scones. I enjoyed one with a very small drizzle of maple syrup and a smear of earth balance instead of butter, along with fresh blueberries.
I made a good strong cup of coffee, went out back with my breakfast in hand and the dogs following after me with Johnny Cash singing to us on my i-phone (my Dad’s favorite) and I had a wonderful time remembering our Saturday mornings together. There is a different way to grieve, a different way to live and knowing that difference is a huge gift. I am so very grateful for this morning.
“The pace is not what matters it’s the direction that you go
Keep your feet upon the path and your eyes upon the goal
You’ll have all the joy a heart could ever hold
Cause I call him when I’m troubled…
Like he always is to answer when I call him…”