I have found it hard to write, it’s sitting there in the basin all stagnant and it just won’t swirl down the drain into my fingers typing the words. When the GPS systems first came out, I was riding with a friend and we made a wrong turn and pulled into a parking lot to switch directions, the computer generated voice, was very confused and just kept repeating…re-re-re-calculating. This is exactly how I feel. Finding my footing over the last several weeks has been hard, what does this mean for me. This will make me or break me, the choices I make going forward at this point.
Change has never been my friend, never easy and most of the time it has meant loss, and doors slammed shut. I need to take a step backwards, refocus. Eat less, eat better, move more. Three things I set into motion from the begining, just three things I need to do every day of my life. I have not been my best self the last few weeks,and yes it shows on the scale a bit but that is actually not what has been bothering me the most. It takes no effort at all to fall back into old habits, old ghosts reappear without invitation and I must not be a host to their sweet talking promises. I will not get to where I am supposed to travel if I go back to my old ways. I know this, and yet I struggle and it makes me furious and breaks my heart at the same time. I will never be free of this struggle.
I am taking a step back, what I find most comfortable is accountability, so as I sit here on Sunday night this is my word being given to you.
I will not go through a drive thru this week, not for coffee, not for food and not for reward.
I will be going to the gym Tue/Thurs/Friday getting bike rides in on Sat and Sunday. I will write about my workouts, even if it’s just a few words.
I will cook my lunches with week using all of the healthy things I bought at the market.
In mid November I have my annual check up, I will then begin the weigh in’s every two weeks again. I am not ready to go a month without the accountability. I will do this as long as needed, this is about what works for me. I will figure this out, it’s part of the work, it’s part of the walk and it is a part of me.
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh