Loss.

Things have come to a bit of a screeching halt lately. I have tried to write several times but the words float above me and just like a little kid jumping up to grasp ripe fruit in the trees any words that make sense are just out of my reach.

It began with Hazel. She was the emaciated dog who had sacrificed herself to feed her puppies, she was saved from death row by Recycled Doggies, fostered and showered with love by Lindsey but she had given all she had to save her pups and she slipped away quietly being held and loved as she took her last breath, maybe for the first time ever. My decision to foster one of Hazel’s pups happened lightning fast and was made with little thought when it became clear to me there was no other option. I have learned not to question the path so much, not to seek the answers out so intently but to follow what feels right for myself,¬† and what feels right for those in the world around me and to do what is needed, even if it’s not my own need.

I named him Norman, and he burst into my life with his mother’s eyes and long, gangly Marmaduke legs. His sweet shenanigans¬† remind me to breath, when I sometimes forget.

 

Norman.

 

The act of breathing can seem like more of an expedition to the top of Mt. Everest without canisters of oxygen than simply the presence or absence of aspiration. What is it about this time of year I find so very cruel? Amidst the garland and stuffed turkeys, the joyful hymns, and two eyes made out of coal is another year of wondering if I cross her mind at all, if the walls close in and sadness comes to pull her down into the same sorrow. I fight and fight to pull ahead just far enough to convince myself I am winning. It feels like a losing battle and that loss follows me around, clinging to my every move like the pup who continues to look for his momma long after she has gone.

These are hard days, and I feel the loss in a different way lately but I know it will pass and I will find my way. Remembering  how far I have come, remembering to love myself even when I look in the mirror and I am not quite sure who it is staring back at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. Michele Hays says:

    Hang in there, sweetie. It is not all about loss, even when we feel loss the most.

  2. Julie says:

    How wonderful God is to bring pets into our lives. When a beloved pet dies, only an animal lover can know that kind of grief. Keep blogging! We are here for you!!

    • dogl2324 says:

      Thank you Julie! Hazel’s death was heartbreaking but being able to be a small part in walking the road to help her pups find their forever homes makes the pain a bit less. I really appreciate your note and all your support!

  3. moody says:

    I’m sorry to hear Hazel didn’t make it.
    Hopefully her pups will let her legacy live on: give it all you have and care for those who are in need.

    Norman is a beautiful boy.
    I hope he’ll be able to help Tristan even more.

    Kudos.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Moody!

      I am so sorry about sweet Hazel as well, but I have to say we did right by her beautiful puppies. Norman and Hank both found amazing homes where they will be loved and showered with kindness. I think she is happily watching over them.

      Hope you are well! xo

  4. Meghan says:

    I have been following your blog since last winter, and somehow today’s post compelled me to leave a reply. Your words about loss even in the midst of the holidays really spoke to me. I want to let you know that there are people out here, who you’ve never even met, cheering you on and sending you love and support. I also have a hard time during the holidays, and I don’t even have a specific reason why. To not admit it or recognize it makes the joyful times a facade, so maybe part of this season is admitting that there is a sadness there too. Perhaps that will lighten the load and allow us to move forward during these months. Your story is inspiring, and adding Norman was a wonderful thing to do. Best to you and your pack.

    • dogl2324 says:

      Hi Meghan,

      Thank you for following along, but even more for taking the time to post.Your words made so much sense to me, it is perhaps the facade of “joy” when there is sadness too. Perhaps the answer is balance and letting the sadness have it’s place. Please continue to post every now and then, I would really love your thoughts. Hugs from me and my whole crew!

      P.S Norman found an amazing forever home with a great family!

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