Flipping the pages…
I have been spending a lot of time reading blog posts from the beginning of the dog-lbs project. I am hoping some of you will be happy to hear that with the help of an amazingly talented friend, I am working on a book. It is a bit grueling, going back reading the words, tasting the bittersweet of the past, standing at the side of the road looking up at the streetlight of shame streaming down hitting just past the tips of my shoes, knowing I am currently in a much better place but one careless trip, and I can easily tumble back into that light.
I have written about how challenging this time of year is for me, as it is for so many others. I am flinging up the blinds and taking a good look at what I see through the window. It is easy to put “loss” into a nice neat folded pile of crumbled up dreams, quietly putting them in the closet knowing they are there but never really acknowledging them in any way that changes the reality of what they mean to you.
There are people, experiences and love that can never be replaced once gone. Attempting to convince yourself otherwise is quite possibly the most exhausting lie available to us. I spend more time bracing the missing walls with my back against the memories, desperate to keep them at bay. Stacking sandbags to stop the flood of goodbye that replays over and over in my mind. I don’t know how long, long enough is anymore.
I am in control of nothing but myself in this moment and only I have the power to step back from that streetlight and keep myself from the shame, and the road leading back there. I have taken some time to stand in my skin lately, feeling the weight on my bones and I am ready to go, go, go, full steam ahead. Back to what I know, what I need, what has worked. Stagnant is not a word I want to grow familiar with anytime soon.
Dr.’s appointment on Nov 30th with my new doc, Dr. Drake, she comes highly recommended from Dr. Beiter so I am telling myself there is nothing to be scared of though I am a bit terrified of the change. You can expect me to post my weight on that day, we are back to every two weeks of me stepping on the scale. I need to hold the hand of my old friend accountability. This is a dangerous time of year not to be in the game, I am putting myself back in the lineup.
More tomorrow…outside workout with Lindsey soon…. It’s on.
P.S Thank you for all the kind words and understanding….it really does get me through. xo