Writing has not come easy lately, I have felt like someone pushed pause on everything. As I stood numb in the scalding hot shower this morning it was as if someone pushed play again and now a thousand thoughts run over me like a waterfall, all at once, feeling like I need a crossing guard to maneuver the chaos in my mind. I have spent the last several weeks gathering information from people I trust the most, looking for something to ease the anxiety of my fears, something other than food. I have been successful and I have failed…I imagine an image of me holding tightly to the stop sign, parallel to the ground while the storm blows through, holding on for dear life. That is how I feel. Food choices not the best, for example I was pretty sure that the end of the world was not really happening (silly Mayan’s) but that did not stop me from eating the Oreo donuts just in case, or the brie, or the….
I want to say that my struggles have nothing and everything to do with Lindsey moving to Knoxville. Nothing in the sense that she has done absolutely nothing wrong in any way, shape or form except be an amazingly wonderful friend giving me knowledge and tools to forever change my life. Everything in the sense that she has been such a wonderful friend that I have grown to trust her unequivocally with my shame, fears and heck we just have a dang good time together… so selfishly I will miss the ease of our friendship and her company. It just happens that she is going to the one place that carries a lot of pain for me. And that is just the type of thing, just the kind of change that I could use and have used in the past as an excuse to electric slide back to the old habits. To some degree I have not been my best self lately, and I feel the yarn unraveling. This is the measure of me, this is change, this is real life and how I deal with the first big uh-oh moment since starting this journey is going to be something I have to figure out before I take the next step forward. I have to take it when I am ready, and in the meantime I can not ignore the amazing fortress of people around me. All I have to do is ask, and they are right there but at times I am frozen, unable to utter one word, just a silent SOS that only I can hear. Even when I am unable to ask, I must find a way to not sit in it alone. I have the tools to get through this, to be strong and to stand on my own two feet as they walk to the treadmill, the pool or my bike. Sometimes I forget just how blessed I am, sometimes I am not aware in the moment of what it means to have people who will lay it all down for you, who will tell you the hard stuff, who will stand up to you when you rage like a river daring them to run away from you or seeing if you can scare them enough to turn away. Yet they remain. No one has run away, or left and I am ready to face the next chapter of this journey… even if it takes me to Knoxville once Linds makes the move. The person who loses the most if I decide I will never step foot in Knoxville again is me. I am not willing to do that to myself, not this time.
-tying the knot in the yarn and taking one step forward.
i look at this lifeline stretched way all across my hand
i look at the burned out empty like a plague across the land
and for everything i learn there are two i don’t understand
that’s while i’m still on a search
through the weather strewn church
i’m doing the best that i can
and it’s alright
and it’s alright if i feel afraid
my plans in pieces
my plans mislaid
it’s the will of the way
the will of the way
the will of the only way that could have brought me here today
and it’s alright