The Bar Method….shouldn’t that involve bourbon?
I should have know I was in trouble the second I heard the words “I have a surprise for you and you’re gonna loooovvve it!”, coming from a very enthusiastic Lindsey on the other end of the phone. I have heard these words before from her, generally followed by such things as running laps holding round 20lb weights above my head, attempting to dislocate my entire body by doing things called “burpees”, and working out at a local high school’s tennis courts at night in the cold ( fyi- I am pretty sure we were NOT supposed to be there!) yet I rarely question what Lindsey has planned for me or what asks of me, she knows her stuff and sadly for my cramping hamstrings I trust her without a doubt. In an attempt to avoid the over crowded gym which feels more like a Justin Bieber mall appearance these days, we decided to do something else.
My instruction from Linds was to wear something very comfortable, oh and a headband. Uh, okay? I walked out the door looking like an extra in the Karate Kid movie. When I arrive at Lindsey’s the dogs go nuts, I love Hannah and Oscar like my own crew and they kinda like me too… okay they adore me, it probably has something or everything to do with the treats I bring. I play with the dogs and get my fill of smooches and give belly rubs until it’s time to start this workout adventure. There is an evil laugh from Lindsey so I am pretty scared as to what this is going to entail. We walked into the living room where I see a workout video set up, 2 chairs and 2 sets of hand weights it looked innocent enough, how bad could that be? NEVER ask such a silly question, because it can be b.a.d. I see the video is “The Bar Method Dancer’s Body Advanced Workout” (Gulp) As Linds fiddled with the remote having problems getting the video to actually play, I was deep in prayer asking the Lord if he would just grant me this wish of a malfunctioning video I would seriously work on my potty mouth…especially in traffic.
No dice. It’s probably better because as I sit here every time I move there is pain and I cuss, it helps. No, it does. Really.
Here is the video surprise that I was gonna love so much…like in the same way I love a root canal.
I am a lot of things, and strive to work toward becoming a lot of things, but a ballet dancer is not one of them. I don’t know what was worse trying to figure out what the hell the lady leading the video was even talking about or the pain that came with just trying to tork my body to at least point in the right direction and lift whatever limb she instructed as she was counting 2, 3, 27 sets of each painful maneuver. I kept thinking of Natalie Portman in Black Swan and how the whole ballet thing didn’t really turn out so well for her, no offense to the amazing ballet dancers of the world. I would find out the perky little leader lady was named Marnie and she sounded like she was in 4th grade and just took a hit off a helium tank. I looked her up on-line and it looks like she is also an actress appearing in a selection of films, she was in something called “In Hell” gee, how fitting. Marnie would guide us through principles of dance through The Bar Method to target the muscles that give your body a “beautiful, defined, graceful appearance.” Exercises included: “water-ski thigh-work,” “arabesque,” and the Bar Method’s wicked new abdominal exercise, “the clam.” Waaaahahahaha the CLAM, we are doing something called the clam? I would spend the next half hour saying several times “that sounds dirty” but my favorite moment was when Marnie went from a lunge position to the splits in one graceful move still talking softly and calmly like is was no big deal and could have just as well been listing things she needed at the grocery to make dinner, just as comfortable and content as a fat tick on a dog as she effortlessly straddled the floor. I didn’t even try, I just plopped myself down and made every effort to get into some contorted splits position while poor Linds attempted the actual feat, I hurt just looking at her. Once I was on the floor Oscar came barging toward me like he had not seen me in years, this would be a bit of a welcome distraction while we were spending time with Marnie and her clams. Oscar wanted to participate so I spent much of the time dodging him and his sweet smooches…
Oh we laughed, there are not words to explain how funny this was and I am not sure if tomorrows soreness will be caused more by the ridiculous yet challenging exercises with Marnie exclaiming with such glee that “This stretch feels glorious!!” or when she would tell us to “Bring it back to earth” which meant whatever part of me was being held high against it’s will quivering in pain was now allowed to come crashing down followed by, you guess it…more potty mouth words. All the laughing along with our running commentaries of what we were seeing on that screen was the most glorious thing happening in the room bar none! In the end, as usual we had a great time…the dogs did too
So don’t go buying me ballet shoes just yet, though I have a new found respect for pointed toes, lifts, the splits and those pesky clams!