It has been a tough month, I have had success in many ways but I have also found myself struggling, not sure if making a public decree was the right move as I desperately try to stand on my own two feet. Last week after I sat in a darkened room my salty tears mixed with the sugary glaze of the doughnut I shoved into my mouth swallowing the very shame I have worked so hard to let go of over the last two years, I knew I had to find a way to say something.
I laid it out in front of him in a few tidy short sentences, I refused to break down or cry but was clear I felt like I was falling apart. I have found it terribly hard to write lately, disconnected from my life with Recycled Doggies, Dog-lbs, Lindsey and I was feeling the pull… backward. He was silent for a moment then Scott said to me, “Hey, this is life. This is what it means to actually be LIVING this thing! It’s not always going to be easy and you are going to stumble and fall, but you are OKAY kid and the opera season will soon be over, just hold on!” Few totally understand what a grueling work schedule we have in the summer, and how the food and drinks are everywhere you turn. My time is sparse and my excuses plentiful.
The rain has been falling here for days, and this morning the monsoon was fierce and steady, my thoughts of a bike ride seemed to be drifting away much like the soda cans and firework debris down the alley behind my house.
Then it stopped.
I loaded up my bike and drove the 35 minuets to the trail I love so much, I began my ride with the weather teasing me, peek-a-boo sunshine and a reassuring warm breeze that all would be fine, and it was… until mile 4. The heavens opened up like the wide swinging gates of Graceland and the rain came like cannonballs pounding down, washing over me. My first thought was to turn around, but I had worked so hard to
make time to go (get myself motivated) put air in my tires, (not talk myself out of going) hook my bike rack up on the car,(let the rain be an excuse to stay home) load my bike and then make the trip up to the trail (and not convince myself I needed to go to the store instead) that I didn’t want to turn around. I just couldn’t, so I didn’t.
The lush green trees provided a canopy but the rain raged down and in no time I was soaked, and as I peddled along I would stop several times to simply put my feet on the ground, hold my head up high and let the rain bathe me in drops of redemption. I rode, and I rode, through puddles dodging cracked limbs and scattered leaves, I found strength in the raging waters of the river beside me and their thunderous roar! In the end I road over 15 miles, my faith renewed, my spirit restored from the ride in that rain.
There is no road-map, no plan, no sure fired way to get through this, but I will not give up. I will get through this month and I will do the very best I can to move forward and keep fighting, cause “That’s life kid!”
“Someone told me a lie
Someone looked me in the eye
And said time will ease your pain
But behold, when you fall
It’s that same old cannonball
Coming back for your heart again”