Sometimes the very best thing you can do is just stop, sit in your chaotic mess of a mind and let it settle, skim off the funk that rises to the top and move on. As I get older I appreciate the moments of “in between”, and even when I don’t know it, even when I doubt it, and especially when I fight against it, I am always filtering out my mind, heart and soul doing the seasonal cleaning for the rummage sale of life in hopes of making room for something I need more in the upcoming moments.
When I was driving down to Tennessee last week I passed an exit on the highway that leads to a lovely artisan welcome center in a small Kentucky college town. It was the place in the middle, or close to it where my love and I would meet for a picnic, a walk and sometimes a visit which would sporadically turn into a weekend when we could not bear to say goodbye. When it ended, I would often find myself getting up before dawn on Saturday mornings to make the two hour drive believing that somehow the sage green car with the little gray dog inside would be waiting for me. I did this several times and each time I drove home feeling the same insufferable pain over and over, self inflicted weekly and somewhat addicted to the hope of a movie scene happy ending that would come in the form of an out of state tag. It never came.
My emotional consumption was really no different than my addiction in turning to food filling the void, to make my world better from whatever conflict or strife was raging inside of me at the time. It has taken me almost three years to realize this, and as I continue to skim off the personal unwanted funk clouding my mind I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the “aha” moments that come wrapped in pretty little window boxes of clarity helping in the effort to find a little solid ground on which to stand when the tides come to knock us down.
I have been resting from the last several months of work chaos but now it’s time to move again, time to find that fire in my belly and dig in. I have done nothing “bad”, I have not slide backward but simply maintaining is not a view on my horizon just yet so I must move forward. I know this time spent being in my body, thinking and reflecting about what it means to “keep going” regarding weight and food is invaluable. As I reflect back on my life of obesity I refuse to surrender to the rusty anchor that wants to weigh me down and keep me tethered to a past that has no place in my presence.
So here it is, I will be starting a new challenge on September 1st inspired by my dear friend Jonesy. I will spend the month of September eating food which does not include the meat of any animal, fish or fowl. This is not about deprivation this is about celebration and enjoying foods, exploring new things, cultures and methods of cooking. I am not talking about a vegetarian diet of McDonald’s french fries, Twinkies and a slurpee for breakfast, this is about fueling my body and mind with the very best nutrition and deliciousness, thinking of food in a new way, just like when I did the 100 days of real food challenge. Then in October the party continues with a month of eating no meat and throwing in no dairy for kicks. I am not taking this lightly, it will be hard! While I currently make sure I know where my meat comes from (organic, cruelty free, non factory farmed) I do eat meat especially chicken and fish so this is not going to be easy but my mentality is that it HAS to be done in a celebratory way or else I am just going to be mad all the time and might end up mugging someone for a cheeseburger.
I am preparing for September first and will be asking for suggestions, recipes, tips and support looking for new ways to enjoy healthy foods and a new attitude when it comes to eating a different way. I will return to weighing in every two weeks for the following year, (the goal is to get to 225) by September 1st 2014) and post the results on the weight timeline for the accountability portion which has been key in my success. Of course I will continue raising money for the death row doggies that need the help of Recycled Doggies Rescue! I am going to bike, and run and reach back to all the things Lindsey taught me at the gym, and continue to work with Tristan in the hopes that one day he will be able to run with me. Oh and don’t think I have not started the work already because I have… I am ready!
“Say that I’m changed, say I’m different
Maybe I’ll finally understand
Say I’ll let go, say it’s obvious
Oh, I tell myself over, over and over again
I’m ready, I’m ready
I’m ready to believe….”