How traffic helped save the day.
It started early this morning, when there were giant fresh muffins in the kitchen at work after our weekly staff meeting from Busken Bakery which I was able to avoid. (barely) Then I saw a donut on a friend’s Facebook page that was serious sugar porn and made me want to go up and eat a muffin, even though a muffin is not a cream filled Long John. I did not eat the muffin, but I did eat my skinny pop popcorn that I brought for an afternoon snack at 10:15 this morning. I went on with my day but the idea of the sweets stuck to me.
Don’t cha know I had a dentist appointment this afternoon for my 6 month cleaning, now if that’s not a sign from the damn universe I don’t know what is! Of course I ignored it but in my sick and twisted mind that was the exact reason I should indulge in a sweet treat because there was no better time to have an icing induced sugar infused feast than right after you have your teeth cleaned. Later in the afternoon back at work, sitting in a meeting staring at the dry erase board with words scrawled across the white in bright pink I thought what a great color that would be for icing, a giant pink rose on the corner slice of someone’s birthday cake or anniversary celebration. I can’t even look at a dry erase board without thinking of cake and icing?! WHO AM I?
That fueled the idea of running up after work to get one donut. Just one. It was a half hearted mission from the beginning, I wanted the donut but I also knew I had been so good this week, and I have not eaten meat in 24 days did I really need to sabotage my hard work with a donut? While it’s not meat, it is a food that I rarely feel good about after eating. I played it out in my head, asking myself if I could really have just one, or would I have 4 and then cry in the parking lot with my salty tears dripping onto my icing coated lips for the worse taste combination ever. I thought about why I wanted a donut, the power of suggestion and then it occurred to me… traffic was completely stopped and I had not moved in at least 15 minuets. I focused on what was ahead, which was an endless line of cars, traffic everywhere and if I wanted to go get a donut it would take me and extra hour plus to do it. I drove home.
I stared intently into the fridge letting out the cold air as I thought about what I had to make a meal. Leftover pinto beans made in the crock pot on Sunday night with onion, garlic, cumin and jalapeno blended just enough so they were a little smooth and a little chunky, a zucchini, organic salsa, yogurt and in the freezer were frozen shoestring potatoes for baking. I had some whole wheat panko in the cupboard and I used an egg to bind the beans, tbs of salsa and added a little panko to make a patty. It was just what I wanted. I “fried” it with a drizzle of olive oil in a searing hot skillet until it was crispy on both sides. I pinch of cheese and ribbons of zucchini on top along with a couple spoonfuls of salsa mixed with yogurt would finish my concoction.
Here is the kicker, I told myself if you want a dessert bad enough tonight you have to make it. So I did, a simple cocoa cake recipe with no refined sugar only maple syrup and no chocolate except for really good quality cocoa powder a few eggs, some coconut oil, a cup of whole wheat flour vanilla bean and I had a tasty light cake. I used the yokes of the eggs in the cake and then saved the white to beat up a fluffy frosting. I ate my cake outside watching the sun set as Tristan licked icing from my finger tips his tail thumping feverishly in delight.
If I am honest with you I think I probably avoided a huge food meltdown tonight. I made a really good decision. As I think about what success looks like and feels like, this is just as much a triumph for me as a number on the scale. It’s not that I should never have donuts, it’s knowing the difference between when it’s a decision that is a healthy one mentally verses a decision to be obsessed with having a donut because I am not “allowed” to have one and somehow think I am being denied. I don’t always have the strength to make the right choice not to swallow the hook of my own mindfucks but more and more I am able to think things through before acting and that is such a good feeling.
As I finish this post a show just came on the Food Network….”Donut Showdown”…. no thanks I already lived that episode today and I can already tell you who wins! 🙂